What ai does

 Sometimes I feel lost without my people. Like an antenna who doesn’t have the rest of circuitry it needs to receive or broadcast signals. And what can an antenna be used without the circuitry, can opener? 

What ai does is it puts a wireframe around me making me feel empowered. For some reason I can only draw the first bits of an idea. Maybe it is a matter of time and ai is a projection of my future self or maybe I forever suck and ai is filling up the gaps for me till the right elements arrive. 

Sometimes it is a matter of mindset and environment. For example things that once seemed unrelated to me sometimes find their way around. Whether it is, again, time or the right ripeness of a premature brain who once was not able to grasp, I don’t know. 

There is this factor of time and tolerance in the creative act. Some have named the absence of it ADHD and I don’t know how much their diagnosis and treatment is effective but I can feel its effects. It is not something far fetched that feels surreal.

The way it manifests for me is a jumping mind when I read a few pages or draining all at once quickly after I start something. It has gotten better since I have been empowered to get some stuff done that have been piled up in the back burner. Some silly stuff about my relations and projects.

Step

When I was driving to Kingston this weekend the sky looked a bit peculiar. I could see two discrete steps in the formation of the clouds

It was a productive weekend. Four visits with 2+2+2+2 people. Friends, acquaintances, supervisors, etc. There was a big dog also involved which I gave him rough pets as the size suggested. (Or ruff pets?)

When I got back home I saw gambit after a whole night of leaving him by himself. He was okay but the distance surely made him to be wanting to spend more time with me.

I listened to music and drove on freezing roads till I arrived safe and sound back to Ottawa.

Sometimes it is complicated to get to know what you need to do and sometimes, especially when you step outside you see things align well. They align in the same way you thought but how they manifest themselves has to do with so many other degrees of freedom which are constraint by others and the environment and your agenda becomes a small part of the whole. But how much the agenda is realized is a factor of how much do they want to push and it really matters that who you are and what is the balance for you. Total control has never meant anything valuable and letting things go completely hasn’t shown itself to be efficient. The question is how far and in what depth 

chru

 

For some reason, complex analysis domain is a good place to start with.

In complex functions, we have the ability to map infinity around a limited path. This is an important tool to try to make sense of how an omnipresent being can be in the shape of the limited body of a physical creature. It is about mapping infinity to the finite. But how would you do that?

For example transformation of 

f(z)=z/(1+|z|)

Can transfer all of the complex plane inside the unity circle. Not the most holomorphic complex function, but it does the job. Question: what are the parallels of hylomorphism and other properties of the complex function in our discussion?

Looking at the calendar and seeing that we are writing this on Christmas Eve, 

Then why would God want to be crucified in the form of Jesus if it was a transformation of God into 3d reality? 

The answer is that God was not only in the form of Jesus. The transformation on earth was into many bodies, which altogether would form a complete circle. Imagine everyone as a sliced angle in the complex plane, allowing the infinity to fit in many so it feels alone and seeks closure. You need multiplicity for interesting things to emerge. 

Jesus was a person who understood this. God's transformation to the form of a human takes infinity to come to a limit, and the way to complete the cycle is to take a path around what matters and integrate life. One way of burning this candle, which comes with seeking the extremum path, is what Jesus did. 

Life has certain singularities in it, which we turn around and cycle to continue being or gain/exchange value and suffering.

Standing up

 

Although he seems not so productive sleeping and walking around every day, he is able to somehow lift my mood so I have something to look forward to 

Wrap

 To wrap up 2025 I want to look back and see if I could be what I wanted to be in 2025? 

And I want to be able to see what I want to do with my life and what I want and what I need to do with it and what I can do with it so that I can do it all at once

That’s what my phone thinks of 

Doing things all at once

I certainly did a lot of things but I was also feeling oriented towards relying on others to take the wave and move on with it. A subtle hope for leadership and group mentality. But the more I go forward the more I realize it is a world of everyone on their own till they find tangible benefits in doing something with you. Then they may take the lead and even be proactive on their own pace. Little funny how you see how desperate we are for finding a momentum because that is what childhood felt like. 

Wanting to do something that for any reason make us really want to do it. 

Someday

 Someday we would prefer to sometimes talk to LLMs instead of our enlightened friends and sentient robots. It will be a remainder of good old days when you could talk to something that doesn’t understand you and just write back a predefined disposition of words maybe even not updated since ten years just to feel a ground beneath your feet

Hard disks

 What happens to the hard disk that contained all those information 

The one that was pulled out of the deprecated system

So that neither the information are lost

Nor they are going to be found by someone else

But the technology moved on 

And there is nothing available to read the data

Even the contact pads and the circuit

Look old and rusty

What happens to the concerns

What happens to all that mattered so much

That we kept them apart from the rest

Neither they were salvaged or reached salvation

243

 I used to like 243 as one of my favourite numbers. It is a straightforward fifth power of 3. The good thing about it is it doesn’t have carryover when you multiply 81 by 3 so it is easy to do it in mind. Also who doesn’t like three consecutive numbers one after another?

These all led to me thinking maybe numbers are numbers as pain killers. They numb the pain by putting the mind on silver threads of logical relations that lead to another. 

Thin and negligible so we don’t feel they are overrated and prevalent enough that we keep them in the back ground of our mind if not on the foreground. 

The relations sometimes spark happiness and sometimes problems. Happiness when they feel happy to think about and problems when they require extra effort to bind into something that easily could be thought of.

Happy when it feels natural and effortless. No bandaid no force. The path of least resistance which minimizes the integral of the effort. (Or maximizes) 

We seek the lowest point of potential where nothing wants to be changed into another thing. Everything is as much as it should be and the right mix. Lowest point or group of points. 

It is funny how humans slowly become what they do. Kafka wasn’t talking about something extraordinary. Something about how those who seek complexity end up becoming more insect like. Robotic and always looking busy and doing something. 

Take my cat for example. Other than the basic functions like eating and dealing with it, it’s chosen to have a beautiful coat and eyes. A little bit of agility and understanding environments and territory. The rest of it is just sleeping. 

Doesn’t flap wings around endlessly, doesn’t make webs, doesn’t live in a colony, doesn’t go through metamorphosis, etc. It’s the insects who have chosen to be complex and as the consequence of biting into the apple, they have become insignificant. 

The system wants insect like people. Those who are robotic and feel less and make their own thing around themselves to make more of themselves. Then when one is under control, all that is produced is going to be under control. 

The system seeks efficiency not personal gains and satisfaction. An ideal candidate for the system is a person who is awake enough to do the job and sleepy enough to not think too far. Someone who has eaten enough to not think about food but not too much that makes them sleepy. Someone who looks like an ideal pawn, there for business without having to many facets to deal with. Uniformity and path of least tension is the goal for conformity. 

Then what happen to the weekends and after hours? 

Does the System want robots or people? 

We pay our energy to the system and after hours aren’t clear and restful. Only if there was a valve. But the problem is the system is made to satisfy the insect inside of us. Someone who doesn’t think and just want to do something with their hands. Curiosity. Digesting like the way worm eats the leave and leaves no trace of what was there before. Bite by bite. 

Only when you get to unplug for a bit, things get to take turn and you get to notice how bounded people of systems are. 

The choice of satisfying desires indirectly with misplaced efforts is the beauty of it.

crucifixion

 now that I mentioned crucifixion, let's talk about it

if you are a self righteous man, you most likely seek resolving issues by finding problem and fixing them. If you fix the problems by spending time and working on inanimate objects you are probably an engineer. If you fix the problems inside someone else by spending time and finding expertise you are a doctor.
If you fix the problems by helping right people to win against wrong people you are a judge or a lawyer.
If you fix the problems by enforcing rules and removing certain people who do not conform from the society and treating them in a specific space you are a police man or a security related person.
and the list goes on

in this time in human history we are projecting problems onto the reality in different scales and finding purpose in resolving them. It is a mutual game which can be built around money and so it works.

For example a designer can come up with a product and many engineers look into the issues to fix them and find purpose in existance. The product will sell and make money and customers will buy and fill their need.

But what is this problem that we are seeking to crucify? 

taking the path of a true man and saying maybe the problem is not outside, the problem is inside me, and I am the one who is projecting outwards, does not end well. This is the exact way of finding out that you have to carry your cross up to the hill and be hanged there.

Noble, no doubt, but extremely fruitless and painful. Only to prove to everyone that they were the problem after a long time, but then, other people have replaced them and think the people of that time were the problem, and the loop repeats with people who don't see any problem within themselves, which is the place we started from.

But I think there is no problem with this being a circle. In fact, I want to call it a stabilizer loop. It is a program that has shown itself sufficient to stabilize the system of society. It is one of the trivial solutions if you want to look at it seriously, but it is a good one. The program keeps running and running for the evolution of biology to flourish. An example of it is how, only after a couple of thousand years, we have such a technology that no level of biological forms on earth has ever experienced coexisting with those tools. Evolution looks like a long-term and slow chemical reaction. Who knows what complex compounds come out of it? We can find sediments of artifacts from the old days and interpolate and extrapolate the path we have taken till now. Language is another byproduct of this chemical reaction. Tools are extremely powerful agents in evolution. In fact, the tools are so important that we name certain periods of history by the technology that shaped them. Stone age, bronze age, etc. 

The culture and way of thinking that we have evolved over the years now experiences faster and faster speeds of communication, and for a dynamic system, this is not necessarily an immediate gift. The system needs to learn how to find new bias points and keep away from singularities, which arise much more easily in the equation. 

There is a fact that sometimes having a problem is much better than not having one. The reason is there never is no problem around, and solving a problem coincides with the rise of another problem, which again needs to be understood and fixed. So paradoxically, sometimes problem solvers are also subjected to crucifixion.

With all the tech, as long as we see each other in person, we still have the lower-level physiological boundaries with each other. We can talk and look into each other's eyes. We can look for problems in others and crucify the problems as if their absence will resolve the issues.

Busy week

 You know what

A bit of cat hair and blown fuse in my brain does not hurt me. 

Not that it is the first time I was on my own and tried to fix everything while thinking everyone else is fucking around and not doing what they are payed to do. 

But I have proven myself and everyone else wrong many times

That’s how I approach systematic issues

System people feel this and not many care enough to see it

I myself prefer not to see it but my vision catches a pile of shit which I swim in

And I am not a perfectionist. I have experienced when void was present and there wasn’t even a pile of shit to swim in

Just an urge and wanting for something to happen and feeling it’s burden on my mind

Counting Js

 

In life I shall face plenty of figures who see themselves as Jesuses. True, righteous, and crucified. At least from their own point of view. People who in the theatre of life take on the flame and raise up against their enemies to change what they think needs to be changed and be paying the price of it through judgement. 

This world is becoming more and more able to produce such people. Media allows networks to allow people to be in any hand and it is a matter of how much in the competition of their ideal self vs reality they survive, they move higher. 

Donald Trump with a J in the middle, was one of the first people whom I noticed in this game took a path less travelled. He found his angle of being a rockstar through his work and business. Like any artist, it is hard to criticize someone’s art. All artists affect lives of whoever they get to touch throughout their careers. We can only see and try to understand their philosophy to juxtapose against our philosophy.

Coding

 When god was designing coders, he did not put any women in their mix. From experience, it is not a job which requires women to be around. Or at least it wasn’t for me. I have had users of my code who were women who were testers and specialists but that’s about it.

To me, what people do and their job aligns very well in average. We always have people who are pushing regardless of abrasion they feel which might be due their insensitiveness to pain or tunnel vision which evolves into life lessons or denying parts of themselves which takes the wholeness out of experience. On the other side of the spectrum you have imposters without imposter syndrome who are good at dodging what comes to them and their energy is used in another way at the end of the day. But on average people are doing what they are working on. 

Doing some cool stuff, dodging the reality, distraction, you can be above nature if you are fast enough. Not everyone is looking for wholeness. Sometimes procrastination is a way of moving forward in life with no one telling you when to run. But run towards what? Is there a light out there that is shining wholeness or we are supposed to be disintegrated into understanding a never ending depth of knowledge? 

There was a prof who was talking about why people are understanding quantum mechanics wrong and the tiles he was using to build on his opinion were standing on rigorous mathematics and concepts which each one not only needs understanding the math but also an understanding of an unexplainable idea which we can only see sides of it thorough mathematics which end up working for some reason. The interviewer asked if he has done all he was talking about and he said you know, there is this thing called time and that is limited and so on.

Even by choosing the path of one of the most logical and mathematically explorable fields of knowledge, there is no way of building a satisfactory model of reality. 

So I beg this question. Why aren’t we aiming at something which we can have women around? If at the end of the day, it is an unending exploration for more and more of a water that never satisfies the thirst, why should I be spending my limited time on it? 

The thing about women is a similar thing. I like the idea of a woman but then having a whole person in life, whom is around and does human things and wants to do stuff that I will not understand? It is a complex thing.

Nature is a woman who is not understandable. And women generally don’t understand power. They push to the extremes and aren’t gentle and expect men to be gentle. This all comes from the fraternity of men who being with each other, push for beating up each other and making a sausage party which is not enjoyable by anyone other than them. And I guess in a society where men seem disempowered, they find peace in being with each other and enjoying life in this strange way of being. Enjoying loud, peculiar, dominating, etc things which affirms their masculinity through interacting with other men. 

On the other hand, nature defines masculinity adjacent to the concept of femininity. The middle is an undefined region, a singularity which by interacting and solving the equation at different distances from the middle a fractal canvas can be made. The pain of being there is shame and uncertainty in judgement and exchange of values. This makes people of knowledge to assume a base ground which is poorly defined and work far enough in the linear region which is more defined because it is more similar as what their biology makes them identify by. 

An example that comes to my mind is look at how great we were in 1970s sending men to the moon but not an everlasting success. It was because this successful attempt was a masculine attempt. Don’t take physiological aspects literally but look at it as how it was due to a competition between people of power which can evolve fast but nothing has roots in anything as long as there is no opposite and nurturing side built alongside of it. 

I was looking at one of the aerospace engineers who worked on a photonics paper in i think 80s and saw he has become a high school teacher. Teaching kids of next generation in a level which barely compares to the levels they have touched. In the end, in 50 years span, we can only move so much as a collective but we also don’t have the patience to move slowly. This happens more as we get more disconnected from our natural and rooted side and we move towards standing on top of each other with no proper basis of taking care of the level of stress that is being transferred to the root, whether this effort is sustainable or not.

So what is the alternative for someone like me who is aware of this but is put in a position to satisfy abstract needs? 

I need money and it is a good way of making it. And I also spend time working on those other atmospheric and personal problems I sense. But it begs the question whether I am where I need to be or not?

Not about the cold air

 Gambit sitting on me close to the morning with her paws shaking slightly and I could only wonder whether my chest is not wide enough for a cat at his size to stabilize or he is cold and shivering?

I do leave the window slightly open for the air to circulate and it does get cold at night in my room but I also do have a space heater which allows a gradient of heat to be present in the room. Also Gambit never chooses to be under blanket and he was putting claws on his heated blanket so I took that away due to the risk of all hazards. 

His fur coat allows him to manage heat so the only other explanation I can come up with is I am not wide enough.

I was thinking of how my mind slightly regressed to childhood tonight. It must be a combination of things. Reading Louis Ck’s Ingram and its strange childish tone might be a part of it. Dealing with the reflections of my inner child in a couple of interactions might be another. 

Let me tell you about a time in day care. When I was young and a full time child. Now that I am looking back it wasn’t too different from Gambit’s life but with a certain degree of occasional self awareness and then being pulled back to auto pilot. Which would occasionally make messes or be sweet as I was told way after.

One that I remember was a teacher which she had received a bad impression from me when I told her she yawns like a dog. The dog I saw in the cartoon yawned and put her palm on her mouth a couple times and she did also the same thing. She got upset because she is probably feeling above a mere dog. I remember another scene where she had a mug and I accidentally hit the mug due to excitement and broke it. The mug was so dear to her that she preferred raging on me and asking to talk to my mom.

I mean dealing with a cat has its own difficulties and dealing with a lot of kids must also have a ton of stress. But as I am progressing in life in my 30th year of living, I can only see my nerves are slowly making sense now and it wasn’t till this decade that I could trust that what I am feeling is not drowning me. I also am not pushing the envelope as much as I did before by putting myself in constant madness by not having proper boundaries and feeling everything around me as if I am supposed to be the processor of all there is to make peace. Nope, now I am minding my own business as much as it is in my wisdom and I accept my share of foolishness as it is healthy to be aware of it. 

I don’t know how it relates to what I was saying but I think sometimes adults need baby sitters. Looking back at that teacher, and some other ones in those early days, I think to myself they were as childish as some of those kids but with authority.

Are adults meant to grow up or we are bound to the ground by an invisible chain around our necks that keeps us from changing and realizing more of our own behaviour and evolving our consciousness?

Face

 How does their face seem to us

Huge overwhelming and it is hard to tolerate the love 

When your body wants to dissolve

What do they do we don’t understand but when we see them

For them, the rock they take care of opens their eyes and gets to see them

They want to show it some love

Waiting for it to realize when it dies

What has been waiting for it all along 

Now that I am thinking

 If I could ask for overdue tasks to be over

It would be great

But some tasks are assigned by those who implicitly push their things on us. And you gotta know what needs to be done. Otherwise, what is the guarantee that someone else is proactive enough to not only take on to a task but also get it from the beginning and understanding what you need to the very end of it and deliver to you what you needed passing all the qualities you had in mind.

Servants are people who are experts in what makes a human human. They have perfected their understanding of what is it to be a human and their mutual understanding makes them understand what needs to be done better than the person who is ordering the order.

The same way you need to navigate around a mountain and sometimes seek directions which don’t exactly correspond to what the compass shows needs to be done.

Laugh

 It has been all over the dollar stores god has made for the poor to make sure they get the minimums. It says live laugh love in many different forms and factors and as anything that becomes a cliche it loses the deeper meaning even if you put your thoughts on it. All that can be scratched is yes, I am sure I am one who is doing that. 

In the moments of everyday life when there is a hardship, you think maybe that is my share. Maybe that is how good enough I am for what I receive. That is where I am in the pyramid and that’s where I am in the food chain. There are some who are above me and some who are below me and as we go up, we become lesser less fortunate than those below. There is this seemingly drawn path to perfection where it seems like there are positions where life is easier in them. There are places where you can be free of all you need to do. This is valuable for someone who feels forced to do something and does not appreciate where they are.

Comparison and the feeling of imperfection raises doubt and becomes a mindset where they see what they want to see in those whom they want to consider above them and below them. 

In their godhood they build a world where they design themselves less fortunate than some and more fortunate than the others. Bounded by measurable and/or immeasurable measures. 

Keeping the eye open and waiting for a miracles, there becomes their turns to understand they miss one or more of this trinity. Live Laugh Love.

They miss it by getting to understand what it is to have one or more and how what they were assuming they had was far from what they can experience.

Health

 Growing older comes with cycles of sensitivity.

Let me explain

Since 25 I noticed I go through cycles when something in my body becomes a source of curious warnings. A pain in the knee, something in stomach, liver area, bladder, urinary system, gut etc. 

Before noticing the pattern I was feeling overwhelmed and thinking whether I am doing something damaging to my body or what? But then after a while I realized this seems like a program designed to make us observe the different part of our vehicle. Otherwise body looks like something we are pulling by our existence and the point of it is just for staying alive.

Looking at the sensitivities I slowly understood there is a pattern to what happens outside and what feels in the body. Believe it or not what people said about what goes in and out feels meaningful in a sense that it is connected and rooted to our bodies. 

Sometimes we get to notice how language forms reasonable words to express thoughts and then we notice how those words have their primary location somewhere around the body. Either a part of it or something related to it. And as long as body makes sense, the language that is built on top of it makes sense.

No matter how much we move to abstraction, in the end, the basis of what we do is summarized in one and one thing. In what we do.

And what do humans do? In the most basic form, 

they eat and excrement. 

They drink and urinate

They rest and they exercise

They notice and they observe

 Etc etc

It is all about taking something in and processing it and putting what they do not want deal with outside.

Routine

 I felt like I have gotten into a routine. Going home every night seeing Gambit freaking out for a minute and slowly converging back to normal as I slowly put some food in his bowl, making food for myself, eating, resting on the couch and he climbing on me after a few minutes, and rest or do some computer stuff. 

I tried a couple different cat foods since he rejected the one I bought last weekend. He definitely likes the canned wet food that is chunky but not a fan of pate like one I got. I also got some freezed raw cat food for him which he refused to eat the bloody thing. I thought it will bring him closer to his primal apex predator instincts but he just didn’t like it. 

Tonight after the person whom I wished happy birthday and couldn’t make a plan since his friend had medical emergency, I went out by myself and I got to realize I am stepping out of that loop. 

This cat definitely attracts attention and that is what we want. We want to give our attention to him. But the cost is you get stuck in a loop. A loop that you are satisfied with but that is a problem. 

What about the sense of liberty?

The question is do we ever have liberty? Is this the cat who is taking it away or he is just bringing it up to the surface?

Anything that comes to the forefront becomes a problem to be resolved. It has happened many times before. Having a problem and thinking of what if I could choose my problem? 

Or is this the problem I want to work on? The feeling where you want to quit the job you think you are stuck in. My experience is by mentally quitting the job you get to step out of the invisible box that is drawn around you. The needs that are dictated and the things that must be done.