Building up momentum

 Hi

I think writing about problems tells the universe I need some help. And I think it helped me. Today I woke up at 5am but I couldn't get out of bed till 7. But I didn't let myself sleep too. I was doing micro exercises like face muscles and eyes to get the sleep out of my head and prove to myself I can be awake all this time. One thing that stops me from waking up is I think of later and see myself sleepy in the one-hour future and I don't want to see myself defeated so I don't even go to the war. I feel like I should build my mindset and prove to myself I can do it to really do it. Those 2 hours were my tragedy time of to be or not to be. It is really hard to choose to be and I have to do it every day. Today my motivation was if I don't get up and go out running, I will have a shit day with 2 meetings and that will destroy me. So I think threats from outside also can be a good motivation. I wish I can get to a point where I don't need threats and I wake up and do the things I want to do.

Mornings

 Hi

What I want to say is although I had very good momentum at the beginning, I lost it. I am not waking up in the mornings and I don't feel productive because of that. I don't know where the source of it is. Is it making me feel apart from other people and I don't like it? is it the daily energy mixture with them that makes me equilibrate in sleeping late? Or am I just pushing the responsibility away from myself? 

Should it be always a war with me to take the pleasure of going back to sleep and choose not to be instead of waking myself up and choosing to be? I have been dealing with it for such a long time and it feels like sometimes I get a grip of it and then I lose it again. I don't think it is asking too much of myself and I don't know whether I should expect it from myself or not. Maybe the balance is to be on the same level of energy as the people around me. 

I was changing the bridge height on my guitar last night and I broke the fourth string. I never changed the string on a guitar before and I feel like changing the strings on an instrument to which you feel personally connected can signify some meanings. I wonder what kind of strings I am gonna get. Are they going to be thicker, thinner, what material, etc.

Maybe I retune my own instrument from scratch all over again.

I am slowly getting over my neutral face. I feel like I had to come a long way to accept it the way it is. A bitch face without having support and background on who you are can make life more difficult than it should be. My mom always used to say smile!! smile! I don't know what to smile to. Is my own face too ugly to see that I have to contract some muscles and deform it to make it acceptable? Should I always be on the edge of uncontrolled laughter to be accepted? Isn't bitter an acceptable taste? why should I mix sugar with myself to make it better when my sweetness lies in my closeness and emotional connection to people to who I choose to get close. 

All I want is to be naturally in peace. All I want is to let go of the judgment on me and show the world around me who I am without their control. To strip down and show my inner self I better be a god statue and that is why I need to wake up in the mornings and turn my gears around myself. Otherwise, there will be nothing to show. Having the will to show off and having nothing valuable to show is what I call ugliness. 

Let's not be in war and have a common goal. I have work to do and that is spending time doing what I like to do.

Confusion

 Hi

I found a repetitive pattern in what I do. Especially in this blog, the other blog, my journals, etc. After a while, I lose the track of who am I talking to. Like it begs the question: should I write these? because if it is a book for someone else to read it should be very refined to keep them from being misled. Or how polite should I be or should it be very self-righteous or humble. Am I teaching someone or am I exploring my own mind? 

It is hard for me to know where am I aiming for. My future self will be more mature and will judge what I am writing with more experience, so I have to keep a humble attitude. Otherwise, my future experiences will prove to me I was wrong. On the other hand, being too humble leads to not really trusting what I feel and think at the moment. It keeps the ideas soft and not formed. That will make me quiet. So the biggest confusion here is how to adjust me to not be too cocky and also be expressive. 

Let's do it Mahdi

Counting days

 Hi

My laptop monitor is taking its last breaths. I did not turn on a few days ago and I thought it might be a connector issue. So I pressed the connector places and it seems to be fine now. It splashes a bit sometimes but again, a connector issue! wonder how long it is gonna last.

I was thinking how almost strange it is that we had to count days to keep track of what is going on. Without day numbers, when it is morning and you just woke up, today would not be much different from tomorrow or yesterday. I think that was the idea of groundhog day. 

Choosing a linear increment would be the easiest thing we could do but we can agree the speed of time is different sometimes. Some days it passes quicker than the other days. One of my friends was noticing how there is a 3-9-27 days loop cycle in the things he does. From my understanding when he decides to do something, 3 days after, it pops up for him, 9 days after again, and 27 days again. 

I am not saying it is something that is universal but what I can say is you probably will find these kinds of patterns in your time too. 

These are just fooling around with concepts. Of course, at the end of the day, we need something stable to keep our sanity. The quartz crystal will give us a stable rate at which we can move forward in time collectively. But what about our individual timing. Is today exactly one day after yesterday or in the dream last night I spent a week of time with some people? What is my personal date and how old I am?

Dreamworld gives us a first-hand experience and we spend time in it. But the reality we experience there has a different way of ordering events which looks like remembering things from the past when you look at it but its past events has happened in another 3D space which almost shares the same dimension of time. I don't know if I will ever get to a point that I can understand the physics of the dream world or not but it is one thing that has always fascinated me.

daily tension

 Hi

This week I will be trying to keep my daily stress under control. What I realized is when I have too much stress I cannot focus and spend time on detailed activities and I get frustrated very fast. That leads to mistakes and mistakes make me repeat and go through iterations. 

I am also trying to be less empathic and be more myself. Too much empathy makes my boundaries leak to other people and it is not the best thing when I have so much energy and time. Sometimes it is better to let people deal with their problems rather than trying to bring them up. Feeling down may help them realize what is the cause of their feelings. This also helps me to be less compromising and be able to use my own judgment to decide what I need to do. 

I think it is a part of assigning value to my time and energy and only using and giving them to others when they ask for it. And when they ask for it, I can spend quality time with them and not get tired of what I think is what I should do. 

I realized that sometimes not helping and being able to see someone suffer because of their own mistake is the best thing we can do for them.

Maybe a few years back I would describe someone like this as cold-hearted but now I think someone like this is reserved and is respecting themselves more.

Wise men say

 Hi

The difference between wise men and fools is fools rush but wise men take their time.

As Elvis Presley says in Can't Help Falling in Love.

The strange thing with time is it is such a tricky thing to have. Everyone gets 86400 seconds in a 24 hour day but not all have the same amount of time. It is like having time and being able to spend it is something we need to balance life to have. You may have 1 hour but you may be forced by the chemistry of your brain to keep yourself watching your phone to keep up the stimulation. 

The weird thing about it is how much time you put for something can tell the quality of how much it is going to give back to you. If you meditate before writing something and tolerate the pain of stillness and keeping you mind focused, you can write it more precisely. It is like shaping a multidimensional thought object in your head and polishing it and then letting it become a part of reality on paper (or laptop).

Everything will balance at some point. Some point which is now and every second is now. Everything is in balance and we can either be in debt of life and return back the time with interest and don't have much time at the end or we can pay it forward!

You have to figure out how to spend time for yourself and be rich in time by paying it forward. Then you become a wise man because you know everything needs a certain amount of time to happen. A baby needs a few months to become ready for this world and if you push it to be, it won't work and you have to go to the next iteration. Worst example. I wanted to talk about fruits but I didn't know the order of time for a fruit to grow. I mean I didn't specifically say it for babies too but I think everyone knows how much time they take to come out! 40 weeks! I googled it!

So wise men know they become fools and they have to go for many iterations if they don't have the patience to go with the flow of the universe. Universe is much bigger than us and as little gears, working in this cosmic machinery, we better go with the flow or get grinded.

Master

 Hi

I think it is one of our very important duties to be good examples for our children. But our children I, who do not have any kids, mean anyone who we can play the role of a more grown-up person for them. It might be someone younger or someone older. It does not really matter how the biological ages are with respect to each other. It might be even fluid. Like someone might be both in the same conversation with us. It is more of a matter of life lessons we passed and communicating the mindsets and understanding the younger mind and in many cases correcting their trajectory. 

It is such a tricky action to do because it can be easily such a hurtful action. The younger person has their own mindset and they usually have a lot of courage to take on the path but your eyes will see the wrongness of it all. The easiest and shortest paths are not usually the best. They will discourage the other person and make them upset because they feel your disagreement is hurting them. They see their opinion as an extension of themselves and seeing how wrong it is will make them feel bad. But it is the art of you to shape your disagreement in a way that is not hurtful. You have to take them through a journey and in that journey make them understand that you understand what they have thought about. 

A part of you, feeling you are older and know better must be you know how to communicate your opinions properly and the younger mind has enough respect for your opinions to accept them. Otherwise, it will be a process of grinding gears that never get in sync with each other and they have their own speeds. 

It is a process of respecting their mindset. It is a process of making them understand you don't want to run over them and you are in control and they can trust you. If you cannot communicate this to them, they feel insecure and they want to apply their own way and they won't respect your corrections. This is especially true for complex problems which do not have a clear answer and your answer might be far from optimized. The younger minds are good at local optimization.

Also, you might be wrong in many cases too. They will have ideas that you feel are useless because you are seeing the problem from your own perspective and they have their own perspective which might be using newer methods that might be better than what you have in mind but less trustable for you. So now, you are the slow gear and the other thing younger minds are good at is being faster. From here it all depends on your strategy. It depends on how much you trust them and how much you think they are smarter than you. It depends on how much risk they will add to the solution compared to your solid brick solution of yours and how much benefit will come from it. And finally, it depends on how truthful you are and how much you want to enjoy controlling people and seeing them grind, and how much you want to give space to youngers to grow. 

Yourself

 Hi,

Yesterday I was thinking about death and trying to conceptualize what I have now and what will I lose when I die. 

I want to write about one of the first things that popped up in my mind. 

You might have noticed you never see your face. You may see someone else in the mirror who you think is you. It has never been the actual you. What you are is a pair of hands connected to a body and you see the tip of something which turns out to be a nose and things like this. This is who you are and the person in the mirror is the best reflection of you. Very much like the other people in life who are reflections of you to a lesser extent. The difference is the reflection is directly under your control. You can even move the mouth and the body in it by the magic of thinking. 

I was thinking the most important thing I lose when I die is this person. This character was my closest friend all my life. That is what I am going to lose. It came from philosophical thinking at the beginning, before birth, when I chose to be and will be gone when I am done being in my small world. I want to give it all it deserves. It deserves a lot, needs to be trained but it is aiming for the peaks

Mirror

 Hi,

I like to know more about what is between two people. I know you cannot have a high-quality conversation with anyone by your choice. You may seem sophisticated when you are debating a certain social issue because the topic itself is sitting above many people. What I want is a topic that is made out of you and is making a quality conversation. A dialogue that is coming out of the heart and sits on the heart. A dialogue, not a monologue. 

These constraints make it even harder to conceive such an idea. The reason is first you must have the quality of the heart to talk about something about yourself and the second is there must be someone else whom you made it work with them. You made them engaged in what you want to talk about and it is so close to their heart that they have their own responses to it. A complimentary conversation building up to something.

Conversations can be classified as arguments meaning each person is trying to prove something and they can be complementary meaning they are both building up to something and do not care about proving themselves. They have already been proven to be on the scene at a certain point of time in the history of the universe. They know there is no winning and losing and the point of the game is to play. You may hit or get hit. It does not matter. They both know they are being looked at by the eye of the creator through their eyes. 

They both know they are two poles of the reality crystallized in the human form in here and now and they can express language in such a complex form as body language and speaking the language. To make a scene. Such an honor.

Their goal is to be selfless so the field that is formed between them forms their body forms and gives them lines. Their only job is to keep calm at moments of tension. To be precise and in control.

two poles

Dillema

 Hi

Only time can be our judge or do we have to talk about it?

It is a great question that comes up when two different opinions collide and they both have a strong resistance to change. 

In other words: Do they have to experience the tension or do they want to leave it to the time to move forward and show which one stays longer?

 Each one of us has our own personal view of the world and we form opinions based on our limited senses and understanding. So if we want to be truthful, how can we decide whether our opinion is worth putting effort into and pushing forward or not. Maybe we don't want to be truthful, we just want to be on the safe side. On one side we have something which has been working for us for a good amount of time and on the other side we have a new possibility that is risky but seems to be promising. 

Do we move to the unknown hoping for a better solution or do we stay on whatever we have known the flaws and limitations of it?

It is a matter of being able to break the safe walls of the mind and expand our territory. It is a mind field and thinking needs to be done to examine whether or not we want to accept the new way or not. We have to be a judge in a fair trial between the two. 

If the old idea has strong roots it can easily put the new idea under stress and by not letting it breathe, stop it from expressing itself in the best way possible. That is how the new way can be easily dismissed. Maybe it is the role of the new idea to learn how to compete and keep calm in a state of powerlessness. Maybe that is why it is not on top of the list. If it has enough determination, it can show the points and take over the way. It has to justify the risk even though it might not have all the answers.