Honey moon phase

 Now that he has been around for long enough it seems a bit different. I still like him but we both like to stay away from each other a bit. And it is not by choice. For example he stepped on me in the morning when I was sleeping for a bit longer and that was my wake up. I had things to do and I am glad I got to do groceries in the morning before it gets crowded. But I didn’t end up going to the pet store to get his wet food. I got two cans of wet food from the nearby dollar store which aren’t probably the quality of what used to get. But my groceries weren’t so amazing also. I also got some processed food for myself. It is cheaper and easier to make. Also although the grocery stores nowadays have mangos in the midst of winter but realistically, when it is snowy it makes sense to eat canned and frozen food rather than fresh ones. At least that is how I supposed it has been for the longest time. But he gets to have bigger portions as I am expecting for him to become a muscular cat in the spring.

When I got home I made my soup for the week and made a phone call to home. He came to me but as soon as I started talking to the phone he went to the bedroom. After the phone call I laid down on the couch but it took a long time for him to come to me. An hour later when he wanted to do his usual laying on me while I was laying on the couch, I woke up and I had this urge to empty my bladder. So I prioritized my bladder and so he didn’t get to do the nap another time.

The whole afternoon he was in the bed and came in and out a couple times. Had his food, hunted an insect, and went back. 

Meanwhile I sneaked on him once the way cats do but he is not a kitten and didn’t really get why I was doing that. 

Then he came on the couch as I was moving to go and make some food. And we didn’t get to sit together. 

I was doing the house work most of the time, playing my video game, and doing my things and he was on the bed.

So I feel like this magnetism between us has turned the same poles towards each other and maybe it is because I have been in home for a long time. 

We will see how it goes next week.

Sleeping with him

So I finally allowed him in my bedroom

I sometimes just wake up in the middle of the night and my throat and nose and ears start itching like hell and I still don’t know what causes it. That is the main reason I was doubtful of allowing him inside my bedroom. If anything, my symptoms would be amplified. But he was curious about the room and I allowed him inside to see the inevitable end. Surprisingly, not only I was fine but also I found his purring at night soothing. 

It is a symphony of living coming from the living body of this creature. And it’s hard work to keep it going for hours. That is probably why he needs so much sleep. The muscle responsible for these purrings must be sore after so much time. 

This is a thing, we don’t know what they are, as much as we live in a similar world and do what living things do. And I spent so much time contemplating the behaviour of him. What he does and how he spends his time. I sometimes wonder how their simplicity of life allows them to be more instinctual and less intellectual. And that is super important as they feel the surroundings and communicate through the physical gestures not complicated multilayered words. 

And the differences I find in his temper is very different from mine. For example the amount of noise he can be sleeping in is much more than me but he is sensitive to any big movement and small movements don’t raise an eyelash even if they continue for hours. All of these is almost opposite of me and makes me humble to understand how much I don’t understand. For example petting and creasing him is much welcomed, even for long periods of time and even tapping on him is allowed which wouldn’t make me happy. 

He also has a very good understanding of mutual benefit. He likes to sleep on the bed close to me but not too close. He tolerates if I breath too loud or snore but if I make my distance closer than a certain extent that bother his surroundings he just move slightly away. It is not a black and white thing that he goes and sleeps on the couch or the tree. He solves the problem by moving himself to a better equilibrium with smallest adjustments. This was a great epiphany for me to understand how the grey scale can be expanded with much more tolerance. 

The other thing which I don’t understand is if I want to go to washroom he has to come off the bed and he doesn’t lay down till I come. It is like he gets prepared for anything immediately and the switch between sleep mode and action is a split second. I have tried keeping him calm by petting him but it only lasts till my hand is away and he jumps. This gives me a positive feeling thinking that he is not lazy, he is resting but is ready for action. 

Primal instincts

 I usually have to search for Gambit. He is sometimes laying on the couch but most of the time he is under the chair or hiding somewhere. Yesterday I came home to a usual search for him which slowly turned unusual. I couldn’t find him and as I walked to the kitchen, I saw broken pieces of glass everywhere. 

Without changing my clothes I started cleaning the glass into a thick bag. Gambit wasn’t anywhere to be found. I looked in the bedroom, closets, washroom, etc and still couldn’t find him. I took the vacuum cleaner and started cleaning the smaller particles and I knew the sound won’t make him come out of invisibility. 

I had a lot of thoughts in my head, did he escape from a window? Everything was closed. Did someone heard the accident and Gambit was injured and they took him to the vet? My mind couldn’t stop coming up with scenarios to explain the situation.

I could understand the accident must have been loud and traumatic for a cat who is expecting to be home alone. Fortunately I couldn’t see any blood trace on the ground indicating he made his way through without getting injured but I still couldn’t stop worrying about whether he is fine or in pain.

In the end, I found him at the far corner, underneath the bed. Even though I had looked before but somehow I missed it. He was in his instinctual mode. You can tell when a cat loses his personality and becomes an animal. It appears in their eyes. Something goes away.

I waited for him, threw some treats on the floor but he wouldn’t even pick the ones right beside his nose. 

I went out and thought maybe he is a reflection of my panic. I have seen in many instances he comes to me when I am feeling centered. I can’t just tap my hands and he comes to sit beside me. So I was like maybe I have to brighten the vibes. I cleansed the house with sage and started cooking some already marinated Korean meat. I thought maybe these smells will make him feel different.

I filled his food bowl. I started eating and he didn’t come. I even had a piece of blueberry pie for dessert to feel very good about my stomach but he was still there. So I took a tube of his favourite treat and went to feed him through the side of the mattress which would allow some access.

The food was so irresistible that it brightened his eyes slowly. A quarter way through I went to the other side of the bed to pull him out by food. It was successful. I did a couple things we do, which he has to put paws on my foot and have the treat. But he was still halfway scared. For the last step I went in the living room and made him eat it close to the couch. After eating he went back to my bedroom.

But now I knew there are some sparkles in his mind. I started playing a video game and he slowly came out and had some food and went up his tree to rest.

We did not have a 1:1 session that night but in the morning I got to groom him again

Gambit left

 

I kept the door open for air circulation in a snowy night till I finish cleaning the bathroom floor and when I came back, I could not find Gambit.

I don’t know what would a cat think in a wet cold night to leave home. But I went back and forth shaking the treat bag since it is the only thing he responds to reliably. He did not show up. 

Part of me thinks what’s supposed to happen will happen. If he is supposed to live with me he will come back. Cats are spiritual animals and there is a lot going on in the depth of cause and effect that I cannot understand. 

Part of me thinks this is a repeat of a similar cycle. Gambit was similar to the color of a kitten I found when I was younger and raised him. This kitten ended up running away while I was carrying him to give him to someone else. It was because we were moving out and we couldn’t have him till the move is done.

Part of me thinks he was a flicker of light showing up in my life and sitting on my lap and chest and purring to show me affection and touch. Maybe his job is over and he needs to go.

Part of me thinks maybe it is my negligence. Maybe I should have been more protective of a house cat. Maybe this is my fault and that is how I am going to treat love.

Part of me 

Oh here he is at the door 

When God leaves us

 When God leaves us there is no more need for selling time for money. There will be no punishing force to bring us out and put us in discipline. We will be free to roam around and choose the way we want to live. Shops will give you food if you are welcome there. If they have availability to do what you want. The people who work there because they want to. Taking as much work as they want and doing as much as they want. 

Credit becomes more personal. Something built upon what they gathered through human connections, their work, and proof of time. You must build your way up to have your own castle. Treat those who want to be treated under you the way they want and gives you the power you need and keep your head above since they won’t be bound to be at your service for long. 

This at least remains till the next period of darkness.

Because we tend to forget, generations will come and people change and their biases, what they have to teach to their kids float above the meaninglessness of what they have been brought up under.

A reemerge of animal soul while the human descends from being so intertwined with the mind, feeling the numbers and the abstracts. 

A wave of rest washes all the momentum that was moving the society. The pull disappears. But the ones who soon become the old ones, from when they had to work, still remain active to escape the reality. A life that was once entangled with over hours loses the column that was holding its thin stem and a lot of hierarchies collapse. Only those will be prosperous who find comfort in their own skin. Anyone who leans against words and numbers feels an emptiness that needs to either be recovered by artificial goals, this time not for money which was once the compass, but something else.

They need to look up from the compass and imagine the horizon and aim for a path. They have to look and decide. Much harsher than blindly moving forward till the number grows. A number that was originally generate by the lie of weakness. The lie which said we need to do a certain thing to gain money and survive. We don’t need that and we never needed that but being kept inclined like that helps society to be functional. For the people who don’t take life to lean on their edge to feel an edge. It is easier to whip someone to work rather than listening to them and talk to them till they believe. Many don’t want that until it’s too late. We have evolved to be faster than life. To be able to dodge the reality and comfort ourselves by looking at the closest shining object.

It is easier than true education. Masses cannot afford education. They get to learn to read and write but not to understand. It is a path to extract the ones who keep the momentum and understand out of multitude of masses. 

Education is an expensive commodity which is earned though suffering and it does not seem the most reasonable thing to do in most cases. A suffering that is designed by a highly valued master is not something everyone has in their choices. A kind of suffering that shapes who the person is and what is their inner worth. What is keeping them from reaching their true potential. It is a way of life.

It takes many journeys and services to different teachers and masters to collect the missing pieces that are surprisingly within us but entrapped in our upbringing and our share of problems in life.

When God leaves us people will work for the moment of their death. To shape it. Some still choose to die for nothing since nothing is still something. Some will carve a life and die when the moment comes in the scene they part take till the curtains close. Some will have witnesses and for some the witness is the falling ashes which spreads through the land, leaving no mark behind.

This loop

Living with this furry shrimp is teaching me a lot.

Like there is no shame in taking 18 naps a day. 

It’s hard to put in words but the same way the world revolves around our head, the same world revolves around their head. Their existence is a stable loop and they are the center of it. It collides with what we have here but they do have their separate existence and they do have to deal with it. 

It is giving me some perspective to me who now I see why I was running away from having life around me. I wanted to create life, I wanted to paint and write to get to the core of it. Somewhere where it all begins and expands but the more I dug deeper, the more I realized it is not a one persons job to be in this world and be functional in day time and be thinking about philosophy and creation afterwards without external help. The loop simply not stable.

In other words, ape not strong enough 

There is so much out there. If you are not in the right frequency you may end up burning too much for too little.

Trying to fix the world to feel better. 

This cat is the perfect example of fixing the world. By being himself and doing what he does, the world around him is advancing day by day and he doesn’t sweat doing hard work. He does give me emotional support and existential support and that is what matters. Doing the thing he is okay doing it.

When I look at him and I say to myself God looked at this hairy ball of breathing fur and said this animal also has to deal with death, something in my stomach hollows. Some kind of vaccum. Okay, if he has to do it, with his small body and small brain, there is no hope that the creation is anything easy to process. It is a crazy thought by a crazy creator who has signed for making matter alive and watching it die. It is a strange cycle.

But at the same time it gives me confidence. If he can do it and he can go through life I can also do it. As hard as it sometimes seems to be. 

If he needs to take 18 naps and be judged by me, he does it to make it go through. It is a perceived behaviour but he does not have shame doing it. Why would there be a predefined structure to the acceptable behaviour of beings? Why would there be an ideal, a standard, an acceptable form? 

Looking at him and how he manages his life, I see only instinct and doing what needs to be done. It is not just basic survival behaviour if he can be with me in a place of need and make me manage my repressed thoughts. It is a service.

And how can an animal be capable of serving a human psychologically? 

Only if the primary material of life is energy and whomever is sensitive to it and able to understand and process it, can be in help for any other living being. 

Maybe this is the universal language for talking to aliens not frequency tones or hieroglyphic symbols, if a cat can manage symbolic humans, humans can also manage transcendent aliens.

Gambitium

 Still meowed last night.

But less and he was more peaceful. Although at 2am I woke up again to use washroom and ended up petting him and meditating for a few minutes. 

He started talking about all the things that happens in his cat mind at 5 am which was a good rooster alarm to wake up. I fed him and had a small breakfast. 

I went back to bed a saw a strange dream which one of my old university friends whom we haven’t talked in forever and me were jumping on a snow hill and sliding down. Then there was a stadium camera that zoomed into my face and we could see it in the big monitor. I wanted him to be in the frame also but he was resisting. I pulled him in slowly but then in the end there was a slope and we got thrown into a part that was not designed for the ski hill. Over there we found two people who I know here and they jumped into my car which my friend was driving carelessly. He hit the car to a plastic dumpster just because he didn’t like it and I asked how could he be sure if there was nothing heavy behind it? And he answered with a carefree tone that he didn’t know. 

On my way out to get a bagel and a coffee and saying goodbye to Gambit I saw he has clawed into one of the treat bags. The bully-something one. He wasn’t through all of it. I picked it up and put all the treat bags in a high shelf. Hopefully he won’t practice his lock picking and coat climbing skills. 

education

 When I came back home, Gambit was in a state of Who is this guy and what is he doing in my house. It took me a good twenty seconds to find him inside my TV stand out of all the places he could be. He slowly recognized me.

I gave him his food. I warmed up my food, and we had another episode when I was sitting on the couch and wanted to eat my food, but he wanted to rub himself against me and smell the food. I wanted boundaries, so I lifted my plate up and did not give him the touch he was craving. After my food, I gave him a couple of treats, and he came back for a brief interaction. 

He didn't come for the extended belly rub and cuddles. I wondered why, then I remembered I had left him by himself after a morning of talking loudly to him. And now I refused his first attempt to touch.

I made myself a drink and turned on the computer. I saw him on his cat tree leaning towards the opposite direction from me. I felt like this was not right. He will sleep till late and act at night again. 

So I put on some jazz and picked him up to the couch and made him sleep on me. Then I tapped him with the rhythm. This would be his music lesson for tonight since he wasn't patient enough for a few pages of the book. 

Even today in the office, I was thinking of the education system and talked to a couple of coworkers about their experiences. This was actually brought up by a coworker in the kitchen, and we chatted about how different schools are nowadays vs before. The topics we discussed were 

1- Mentorship and whether it is replaceable by training videos, and how people are certified nowadays by others, and whether that is a monopoly or is effective? Is it being done properly? 

2- The same way some of us weren't supposed to be using calculators (or programmable ones) at exams, are kids supposed to be banned from using AI tools like Chat GPT? 

(1) led to talking about the bandwidth of information in videos vs text, being able to take the judgment and point of view of an author who has been able to write a book, vs seeing a picture and having your own thoughts in it, while it might carry thousands of sentences.

(2) led to thinking about the sharpening of the brain and differences between math sharpness (being able to calculate in your head) and essay sharpness (thinking about a problem critically). 

One thing I realized is that this cat doesn't mind the background noise or being tapped on. Which is surprising to me since they have sharp senses. What he cares about is the environment. He ignores a lot of things, but sometimes a distinct move, which results in a noise, can make him move from napping to walking around the room.

Got into an argument

 

Last night Gambit was meowing behind the door wanting something I could not provide. I want to keep the bedroom pet free and he wanted cuddles. We spent enough time yesterday together and I read a book while he stretched and laid down. He is a good book holder and he appreciates the weight. 

But around 1-2 am he started meowing and I woke up with the piercing smell of his urine. Although I had an air purifier on, for a brief moment the molecules found their way in the bedroom air. Was it an establishment of dominance? Or was it to make himself feel safe in the dark night of the house? I don’t know but what I know is it was a lot of pee when I scooped it out of his litter box later at night. 

How long was this cat holding his pee?

So after sometime I also felt the urge to use the washroom and went to do my thing. Seeing the other side of this calm cat which never did zoomies in day time. His nocturnal self was present and he was running from the doormat to the cat tree and back. After a couple times, he hit the umbrella and hit a couple things and made some noise that scared himself. He came back to the couch for me to put a hand on him. I meditated for few minutes and he laid down on the other side of the couch. 

When I was done, I went back to the bedroom and he started meowing again seeking attention. But I put a headphone on and told him no. I slept and the noise cancelling function was able to reduce only a bit of his voice. 

I dreamed a bunch of dreams. Dreams that are hard to put in words where I saw a female friend of mine in the shape of a bearded man and military cars and personnel. In the parallel universes a lot of similar things and different things happen. Things about family and friends, relationships, etc. Despite the fact that they can be all different from what we know, but you see similarities in symbols and the roots of their meanings. You see similarities faces and people in places you don’t expect.

For example in my last dream which made me get out of bed, I saw my bedroom door open and Gambit was inside the bedroom.

So after giving him his breakfast, I told him that he shouldn’t be meowing at nights. Does he like it if I keep meowing at him? He responded with a meow.

I headed out and wondered if my tone was too harsh for him, or if he is able to understand anything. I thought of him as a reflection of me and I am sure he understands the energy behind words even if he doesn’t understand the vocabulary.

the invisible landscape

 I was trying to find another word for landscape. I was thinking something along the lines of structure. or strings, positions, society, etc.

something that relates us to another through the lens of our psyche, observable and hidden.

something primordial rising from our depth of animal self up to the layer of language and light.

like being curious, being anxious, being scared, being at peace, and things like that.

The invisible auras of the environment, may it be through the molecules of what smells or something more subtle that we cannot measure yet.

The theatrical layer of life where symbols are sitting on top of matter. the thing they absolutely don't have to do, but they do. the push and pull, the power, the connections, telepathy, and other things.

Something tells me those who make movies know so much about this layer. They know the interactions, they know the lights and colors, they know the strangeness of what we are. How others feel and how feelings are transferred.

I was watching the movie Heat last night. 

How men are portrayed as being able to come together to do extremes. Crime is the genre of that era of movies. It had to be something as bad as explosions and killing people to be able to mark their spectrum. It is a movie, and they have to put what can be thought of there for most people to appreciate the work. The hierarchies between men are shown for the purpose of solving crime and doing it. Something that relates them. Even someone in tech could also be involved in the scale of the human world, from the tiny tiny bits up to the scale of multiple people and plans. It is not always the easiest to manage the transitions between scales.

But can real-world problems be solved by masks, or it need sculptures to be carved out of those humans?

Here is where my distinction resides. I care about depth vs superficial textures that can be borrowed or imitated. Actions come out of depths, not decisions. Decisions are only a problem that arises when one wants to do something, and the creator gets to know themselves through the decisions. 

Any other definition of decision is a move in a game. The better you are at a game, the more profit you make out of the limited set of values presented by that game. May it be money or colorful plastic coins. Some are more impactful than the others.

postal service girl

 when I arrived, there was a woman infront of me talking to the post service girl. Another girl came and said something to her along the lines of you don't have makeup, you are lying. 

In my mind I thought about how makeup is a cover for the real skin to hide the imperfections and give an ideal look to the person. Is putting makeup on lying or not having it?

But then it was cleared to me that there was probably a group photo coming up for Christmas and the second girl was talking about how the postal service girl didn't have makeup for the photo so she is lying about joining them. 

The woman told the second girl she is beautiful, she doesn't need makeup. And the second girl said so tell it to her and left.

It was a period of silence till the woman was done with what she wanted to do and it was my turn. 

I had a lot of stuff to post and I asked about large and extra large boxes and she showed me a sample and I realized I need the extra large one.

I went aside to pack my things and another woman came to her. I was out of line and I could hear how the woman informed her it is getting crappy outside.

I thought to myself was she being nice or not and the implications of being in the front line of Canada post and answering to each customer about the strikes and then hearing not-so-positive news about how it is going to be crappy outside. Later at night I saw the freezing rain falling and thought to myself, maybe it is good to know about what is going to be hard to deal with sooner than later.

then I grabbed my box and she helped me figure out the postal code was wrong and I called the person who gave me their address and he corrected it for me. 

all that time I was more observant, my older self would bring up questions about the assumption of group photo or how the customer was not so sweet and stuff. But my new self wants to listen more and see what people want to say. As much as it is in my nature to control, it has not gone too far for me.

she brought up whether I am from Turkey or not. And later I realized the way I spoke on the phone made her assume that. I asked her if she is also from the Middle East and she said she is Moroccan and she cleared for me that she is from Morocco, Africa. That is the country I have seen the most people of Africa are from in Canada but I didn't bring that up too. Being observant. I said I am from Iran. The second person I mentioned this to today. The first one was the lady who brought the cat. She asked about where did I travel recently and I told her that. She said she had an Iranian friend in grad school whose name was too long. I thought of my mom's last name in English, which is pretty long, but I did not bring it up. 

I am getting to the point where I don't think of saying anything that comes to my mind. Every conversation is a mixture of silence and words and not every word needs to be thrown in since the complications are not valuable.

I think pizza and love have symbolic relationships. I was warming up a piece of pizza and it got burnt while writing the first half of this post and I threw in another slice. It came out good. it did not even burn my mouth which is something pizza do.

About burning mouth, this morning when I was having my coffee, I thought of drinking it the way I usually just go for slurping hot beverages slowly till they cool down midway but after a couple sips, I decided to wait for it to cool down. It happened after part of my cookie broke down while dipping it in the coffee. Then I said to myself maybe I should just wait and breath till the coffee is drinkable.

So I got the cat

 After an hour I have a lot of respect for those who manage to keep pets. He put a layer of hair on my legs. And kept meowing for a while. It was an on off switch where whenever I was petting him he would be purring and rubbing himself to me and then he would eat something. Then after a while, the switch would turn off again and he would be wanting to be pet, otherwise he would walk around, meow, and try to dig the carrier he came with. 

After each bite it felt like his brain was turning on and he would be looking intensely at the surroundings. It felt like his brain was not totally on normally and when he was eating it would go to this mode of awareness where he would understand that the environment is different. Maybe it was a try for getting comfortable with the surroundings. Taking a bite and looking and making sure all is good. 

Then it came to his sleep time. He would be looking at me for a bit and then somewhere else. To a corner. I can only assume he was thinking about other things that happened and remembering them. 

I was more interested than looking at him and he was only looking at me once in a while. And at that time I asked a question. How is this animal sure that we are not going to eat him and feel safe? Is it because they are used to humans? Or do they feel this sense of trust from their random surroundings that they should be safe.

I think giving him similar pets and pats and food may have accelerated this process. He used to be in a loving home and he expects a continuation of it.

I thought of a scenario where I am abducted by an alien. How would I react and how would they be observing me as I am. I think I would be more anxious and curious about their intentions. 

Now he is meowing

Xinx

 They sell you a seat to work on. They give you the food. You are taken from place to place and then, you are dropped to the hands of the dark man. He touches your belongings and makes sure they are as they should. He touches you with his hand to do what he gotta do. He knows you haven’t lost what was yours. He points at you and says you gotta search within yourself. All the blessings and all the chains you needed to make loose came with you up to this moment for you to be distracted again. The higher mind wants you brain to feel pleasure out of nonsense. Things you like to see but you can’t touch. Then what’s real? Is everyone who seems to be doing something right leaning on invisible glass that wants to extend high?

Unscalable mind

 It scares me sometimes

When my mind opens toward the symbolic connections of reality. The conspiracies which can build up over an immense volume of experience finding connections between what was presented to our child self. The one who gets mesmerized by the show they present to us and later realizes it was all for some kind of over powering control. Something beyond reach made either by aliens or elite minds who consume all that is counted as normal people. It makes me think that everyone has submitted to a game that is not necessarily looking for a tangible growth or comfort but it is looking for a chemical reaction between people. The way an acid can dissolve a metal with no compassion, sometimes we are subjected to symbolic reactions which I am unable to express how they benefit another mind but it somehow is the macroscopic representation of their microscopic inner world. They are merely grown so much that their reflection comprises of population of people in societies. Some are interacting with each other by numbers that matters to them with precision, some are forming matter by their hands, and some are touching another with words, sight, and touch. Entropy allows everyone to play in this game and some have their entropy spread into every room and every hand. World shakes by their voice and thoughts and reforms. This is on the surface and behind the visible sight, only they know how our mental waves spread across the world and how our chemical scents affect the physiological body of other individuals. 

After putting all things together, the world does not boil down into symmetric structures. It becomes polarized and unique structures emerge that somehow follow something above physical constants. Maybe those are the roots of the matter but the symbols spread into shapes, objects, forms, behaviour, and other things in different scales.

Above all is mind and mind also shows itself in complicated and mysterious ways as if mind is behind matter and its forms. Is mind a gate to another world the way a computer screen is a window to a simulation world? Something similar but not as one way as our screens are. Something that allows the part to see the whole. And the same way part is limited and unable to comprehend fully, our minds are limited gateways to what is the foundation of this world. A higher space where we find the elements that are fundamental to our existence. 

The we tend to search for the creator and sometimes destroyer of our world who must reside in the mind. Some call it God. Some call it other things. Multiples and singular definitions which satisfy the limited mind. Symbols which humans can embody if they are at the right frequency of thoughts, briefly experiencing unity, omnipresence, omnipotence, immortality, and limitlessness in all that limits the human mind. 

This begs the question of what happens to the soul after life. Death is a core element of existence. Decay of the matter is the dark half of existence which we like to put a lid on and forget till it is a problem. These experiences makes one think are we supposed to ascend to the higher realms and become one with the mind, formless and limitless in a pure existence? 

That is the optimistic view since we like to paint beautiful pictures to runaway from oblivion and darkness. We like to think the creator is a beautiful soul like what we want to present as beauty and love. But is it necessarily a fact that we are here to be loved? 

Human experience is intertwined with pain and suffering. We seek the next high on life while escaping from reality and pushing our problems away and it is a matter of time if we stop and nature crawls back to swallow us. It is a lashing nature that we are born out of. It wants to force us into action and rise us from death and decay for a time till we are alive. Meanwhile we get to experience high and lows till our time is up. Trapped by our mind and others who surround us. The programs that are placed in our mind and and the sensitivities and scars that are placed in our hearts shape our behaviour and we can only choose for the next predefined route to derail sometimes.

This article is not to conclude anything but the author feels like a nail to hang a painting more than the painting itself sometimes. 

In a more positive day it feels like a paint brush which is held by an invisible hand and the anxiety becomes the magic at the tip of the brush for the creator who doesn’t really have a specific picture in mind, but is looking to find what shows up to understand more of what is it projecting outwards in a selfish endeavour of understanding itself since there is nothing else to do for a being who is unified. 

It’s fine

 Don’t worry for the ones who are lost

If you see someone and you think they are lost

Think about the reflection of yourself in their image

What you see is just a channel in the broad spectrum

A single wavelength that matches your tuner

They aren’t lost, as long as they are around

True loss is when the soul is gone

And your love is what keeps them around

Maybe they are found someday later in life

Maybe they are yet to be born like mine

The truest loss is when the wave is gone

After the collapse when the foam drowns

But nobody sees that, everyone focuses on

The rise and fall and what’s the next one

And the surfer only cares about

The wave that carries them for the longest time

Don’t worry if I am looking lost or found

Don’t worry if I look like someone you don’t like

Worry more about the human race

The race between us who don’t care much

And the subtle thread that holds us to the ground

Each one of us looking up to the sky

Looking for the beam of sun, another wave will come

To take a breath, to revive

To feel the condition of being one of us

A leaky sack which needs to be filled up

And when it is low, it calls forward

All the weapons of murder to the front

The words that kills parts of the soul

I can only hope for it to kill the parasites

Now that is the end

 This is the end of it

Still in love deficit

Music in my head, full of regret

What if I could play an instrument 

What if I could be having a microphone

In my hand saying words that would impact

And would have fans blowing at me

Cooling off the fire I have

It’s too late, life is dead

You were never the type who could say

Who could be shining bright

Obsessed and extremes who were harsher would raise on top

My way has been a downwards path

Bowed to not be the exiled angel

Hoping there is a pyramid of power

Pointed downwards deep in the under ground

Where the spirits are

Where the dead go

Where the ones behind the curtain speak the word

A mysterious hum

Their hoods covering who they are

Great individuals who lose their sense of self

And become an organic machine one with the greys

Those who are running the simulation

And allowing us to be smart enough to observe

But I never felt the choice and power

Unless in brief circumstances where I felt the urge

Nobody tells humans how to be

Their bodies are machines that can operate

In different zones, and higher powers

Energy can be felt with the palm of your hand

I needed some pain killers to be able to feel

The social dynamics do not mean anything

When the wisdom is not there to tell you what is needed

Only a sacrifice towards what feels to be right to be done

Electricity flowing through iron veins

And the stretches that stretch the soul to cover more

Talking about what is needed to be done

And waiting the flesh to take care of what’s inside

Gut takes care of punishing and absorbing the living life

Out of the consumed dead material

Every nutrient that feels right

Must be absorbed to the body in charge

A deep deep cold that pierces through

The matrix that contained life once in a while

So are we I would expect as above is below

They who oversee us take us for a reason

Something inside of us is their nutrients

Information in this case not the mere flesh

And the brain feels hot when it is working hard

I can feel it when I am deep into solving a problem

Some human made structures seem so mysterious 

As if the ones who designed it are already connected

Some humans have a glimpse of what is right

When you look at them part of them shines light

But then you give them time and you see them again

Repeating the cycle with no avail

Then you ask yourself is it me or them

Why would I be a part of their existence and so they are in mine

It goes back to when you would say 

World is a reflection of self

Human plane

 I see them, thoughts above the horizon 

They pass by like clouds and I watch them

I get to think about the implications of them 

With my limited sight connecting the dots

There are things that we want to know why

It’s the realm of gods we step into

Where thoughts are formless and nobody is involved 

But how can a mere human do something so profound 

Who draws the line guarding the beyond?

It comes back to me as all is one

In a bitter taste when the shards hurt my sight

I have to get back to my safe place I can’t stay long

I come back to my body where I belong

God was forgiving when he gave us a body

A home to get back and something familiar to think about

Below the horizon where all that matters is

A passage of temporary thoughts