Castration

 Hi

I have a psychologist friend, who says god is castrated.

It took me a while to understand what does he mean.

Is he talking about God, the creator, or gods? and anyways, what does it mean for G/god to be castrated? 

What I first thought was passing through the ideas of Christianity which call Jesus a son of God and God is the Father. A castrated man does not have the common driving force which other men have. The will for exerting power and dominance is not his goal. Maybe Jesus's act of being a critic of society was somehow close to castration. Not settling or trying to achieve power in the organized form of power, moving around and spending time with his disciples rather than going for women, and the most important one which subtly shows how he thought, the story of the prostitute. What I think is people who are into lying and playing two characters cannot hold their masks up in controversial situations if their hands are dirty. What Jesus did at that point was purely look at the prostitute as a person and not have the sexual tendency in his mind so he can clearly talk through the problem with the Priests of his time. Otherwise, he would not be able to look through the situation like any other person in that scene.

Mastering the self in men requires being able to control the sexual urge. That means the sexual urge is not the driver and a person who has this kind of mastery is able to act like a castrated person.

Like someone who sees beyond physical sexual action and sees sex as a means of forming tension to talk and sees the philosophy behind it. To see how it forms pairs, yin-yang, opposites, complementaries, and forms everything. 

That person can see how writing on paper with a pen is the same as having sex with a woman. The same meaning but a different medium. So holding back from ejaculation helps man to bring the focus back from the point of orgasm into a vast view of the scenery of the world. To see people and systems. To see interactions. To feel tensions and be able to withstand tensions. 

Learning experience

 Hi

I remember in the school, learning was re-writing what teacher was saying in our notebooks and preparing for an exam based on it.

This became more sophisticated in the university by participating in the harder subjects required more involvement with the text books.

What is different now is life is my teacher. Time is my teacher and the rearrangement of the events is what is moving me through my lessons.

I hope I pay enough attention and pass my exams

Flexibility

Hi

I want to write more about what I feel.

I am tired of analysis.

Analysis is chewing whatever is out there and talking about it. I want to write about meanings that come from inside of me. What I experience and what I feel. One thing I can feel these days is there is a very obvious relation between my physical feelings and mental feelings. It's like they are totally connected. Especially now that I am becoming more on tune and less dissociated from my body. Like I am not a seperate observer looking at my body. I am my body. And my thoughts are the results of me being as this body. My mind and body are connected and what I need to realize is what feelings this entity who I am experiences. 

I feel I spent most of my time in a state of observation and disconnection from my true self. Looking at mirror isn't enough, touching my body isn't enough. There is a deeper layer of connection which has to be made to make everything make sense. 

I am what I eat and I am my guts. I am what I hold in myself and I am what I think I am. It's all me and it takes a long time to figure that out.

Start of life

 Hi 

What does it mean if someone says my life has started?

Were they doing something other than life before that point?

I think a reason for saying such a thing is living and being around is not necessary to feel alive. A person has to fulfill some basic needs. Some of these are not easy to satisfy. They won't be fixed by buying a commodity and no one can fix it externally. They get fixed in the process of going through personal issues and figuring out what you really need from life. 

Having the feeling of freedom but not knowing what to do with it causes a flawed cycle. A cycle that starts with spending time on different activities and does not reach a point to pay off the invested time. It pulls the person lower and lower and takes their freedom away by depressing them.

Many issues come with the problem of not knowing why we don't deserve things. Maybe because we didn't have it and others had it in childhood. Maybe because we suppressed those needs to not be a burden to others. Maybe the sacrifices we made and got used to doing them to keep our sense of empathy happy, to keep another person happy.

Part of creation and being a human is to experience the limits. Limits are the places we can feel because something external exists. It is the suicide of the Creator to experience His inner self by becoming lost in His inner thoughts. To lose the sense of His infinite self and become a part and grow by having faith in the possibility of becoming His infinite self again. 

I will surrender to being lost in my thoughts with the faith of recovering to something above what I am now.

Forgiveness of self

Have you ever thought what if every time your mind remembers a cringe memory, it could be doing a big task or an important thought? a jump from where you are to the next step maybe. By cringe memory, I mean a memory that makes you think what was the possibilities which the situation could go right but didn't and feeling of shame from not being able to change the mind of the observers about it. 

I don't know if you have ever driven a manual car or not but if you have, you can assimilate the feeling of gears grinding onto each other when you don't push the clutch properly to the feeling of cringe in the mind. 

It's like the mind is active to think of something great, to imagine a scene and go through emotions but it can't. It does not have the power to escape from memory. 

But how can you free up the old memory and move forward? How can you move to the present?

Talking about your shameful experience with someone is the key. But who do you trust so much to go through the story properly? 

That is a hard question to answer and it is your art to formulate your thoughts in a way that you don't give all of yourself to the other person but experience the feeling of relief.

Surface

Yesterday I was in a group therapy meeting and I started talking about how I want to make a community around myself. This was my try for finding a way to get closer to people. 

When they asked me what is wrong with the ones who are already around me I slowly realized how confused I was. 

I was thinking I need introverted people with deep minds around me so I can have a deep connection with them but it wasn't the case. 

Because this mindset was an old mindset I was carrying dividing people into deep and shallow ones and thinking introverted people are usually on the deeper end because they are more busy with themselves. 

That might be true for the ones who are busy with a hubby but I was missing the depth on the extroverted side of things. On this side the depth is on the surface. The depth happens on the body language and the order of the words and the meanings behind them. The presentation is what carries the meaning and it does not have to have a philosophical depth in it. 

It is a form of depth which is more close to the outer world than the inner worlds of the self.

This was what I was missing. I was thinking this portion does not have any significance and it is the means for getting into the depths of the mind.

The reality infront of me shows me it's not more important to be in the mind than to be on the surface. The reality is the moments are formed on the surface and that's were the scenery becomes reality. Otherwise having a deep depth and not being able to present it in any form can make the experience meaningless since it stops at the moment of conception, carrying the meaning and never getting to become a part of the reality.

Unconscious mind

 Hi

The past weekend, I was thinking about understanding the role of the unconscious mind. I was talking with one of my friends on video chat who studied psychology and I had a video of Carl Jung on pause. My phone shows paused youtube videos as a small picture that can be expanded to be full screen or not. For me, it looked like I am on a call with this friend and Jung. 

I was thinking how Carl Jung was really on that call but he was located in the unconscious mind. I was thinking about the beauty of the creation where we needed to leave a big part of the machinery of the mind on the unconscious side. We wanted to surprise ourselves by keeping ourselves in the hands of a greater and more complex mind. 

A mind cannot experience itself unless it can break itself into two pieces and forget one piece and start understanding through the other half.

Forgetting is a part of the experience. How beautiful. 

The Score

 Hi 

I think it's a part of my culture to do things for the sake of making God happy. It's like the way Jesus said (not exactly but almost) store what you value somewhere which doesn't perish. Like he was pointing out how we may value money and think about saving it as a thing to rely on, we can save the result of our deeds somewhere in the computer of the universe or the Mind of God and let Him keep the count. I think it is very beautiful but I don't know how practical it is. Like doing things without getting material compensation for too long may not be the healthiest thing to do. 

I mean you have to be financially and mentally secure enough to be able to give yourself to others too often. Otherwise you will sacrifice yourself and you will lose the respect for yourself and your self worth because you are always available.

It is hard to decide where do you want to draw the line especially if you don't want to be a hypocrite. If the Mind of your God is calculating the trajectories and events, maybe it will adjust your way in a way that you don't have to keep track of the score. 

I think having attraction and repulsion in a balanced way comes with just doing what you enjoy all the time. But forst you have to know how to keep your energy up by knowing what you really like and enjoy. Especially in unpredictable situations of being with someone else and helping them. You have to take space and express your emotions without censorship. Your true self is what is lovable and has edges and sharp corners. It is not your job to keep everyone happy because they would be happy if they chose to. You can't change someone's life especially by not being yourself. 

Love you.

Involvement

 Hi

Recently I am looking into how the momentum I gain on a weekend can translate into what my working week looks like. In my mind, the way I look at my workplace is a giant brain of coworkers being interconnected with each other to make something greater than themselves and their personal capacity happen. Or a set of gears. A gearbox that translates the mindset of the driving force onto different gears to do their rotations respectively. 

Taking days off is one gear becoming disengaged and releasing to spin on another system. A system which might be accessible in the evenings too. A weekend makes a more coupled connection to the external world than a night after spending the day at work. 

In the past long weekend, I was involved with many people. I took a friend who came from Montreal to Ottawa to Kingston, I bought a birthday gift for someone who I didn't go to their birthday! (involved but not too much!) then I spent the night at another friend's place with 3 other people. We talked about our habits and we shared the kind of art we like on youtube. I didn't really enjoy what they liked but I was also able to express my criticism about the piece we were looking at. They also were falling asleep when it was my turn. So win-win!

The next day we went for a hike and met another person whom we haven't seen in a while and we meditated in a park close to the river. I am not usually the initiator of these activities but this time the friend I brought from Ottawa was into these things and proposed it. It was a different experience. Usually, I did these things alone but I can see how the universe is reflecting my transformation outwards. 

In the evening the friend who we were staying at their house brought his girlfriend and we made food and she was on-call for the hospital she was working at. We put a movie on we talked through it. We talked about the movies we like and then after the movie about how do we start our days and our fears! interesting conversation.

The next day we went for a 3 people hike again and in the evening we met another girl who was neighbors with the friend we were staying at their house a while ago. She was an electrical technician and she explained to us how they were opening and closing valves in a power plant she was working at. Humongous amounts of power.

I think I am getting more involved with people and learning a lot from them and I am very grateful for it.

I tried bringing this momentum to our workplace and today we had meetings all day and I realized how we can work together and use each other's minds to complete what we lack!

Christ

Hi

One of the things I expect from a real story is I expect it to be self-similar. We could see it in La La land when **spoiler alert if you haven't seen the masterpiece** at the end it reflects back to the story and looks into the possibilities in a very short amount of time, the Epilogue.

What I want to get to is understanding a major point in the story of Christ. In the epilogue of his story, when they gather to have the last supper, he tells them how the bread is his body and the wine is his blood. It is always hard to find the meanings behind words like this and I can make my own meaning jumper.

I see Christ as a person who devoted his life to doing what he thought was right. I don't know if there is anyone who thinks something is wrong and do it. Everyone thinks they are right but in his case, he was fighting demons and he was purifying himself from what he could see as evil and sins. By being a present critic who is living based on what his mindset was in society, he was taking the negativity out of the mass of the people he was interacting with. That does not necessarily mean he was good by any rules, he would do things that would seem unacceptable to the righteous people of his time. 

By doing things that would question the authorities and also criticize them and wake them up out of their own self. Some kind of personal connection that would snap and hit back at whoever is not even with themselves. 

For example, in one case, he helped a prostitute from being stoned by the priests of the town, addressing the fact that not even the most surficial things can be judged easily and also asking the priests a personal question: who has never done a sin in their life to torture someone for a so-called sin.

These kinds of personal attacks do not address someone's professional position but hit them directly in the heart and there is no escape from them. They can only be covered partly and it takes energy to put the judging self-criticizing mask off after hearing them. This kind of bitter attitude was what took him to the calvary in the end. 

For me, the body and blood mean he thought of himself as a character whose whole physical being and his energy are devoted to the people who want to have a take on him. Dealing with demons means interacting with people and letting them bring him in the position of making decisions that seem to be questionable in order to fix a wrong behavior. His act would be a source of learning for the ones who want to learn and his time would be a treasure he had and could split with others.

The meaning jumper of this part of his story for me is the body and blood or bread and wine are one of the self-similar aspects of his story that are representing his conscious presence among people. To be the source and give all to what is right to you.