Process

 Stepping out of comfort zone means 

Letting a new outcome, an unfamiliar one, take over

Giving it a chance and allowing it to happen

Although with so much pain

Although with restlessness

Choosing to be in the moment where

The blade of judgement forms between two eyes

The one who looks from the future to the past

And the one who looks from now to the future

At any moment, there is no one looking from the past

Other than the mistaken dreaming eye

That is too immature to witness reality

But knows symbols and over thinking

The one who disqualifies being

Till the moment comes

Where what is imagined 

Comes close to what is

Inner sadness

 There are little pieces that we find missing 

And when they are missing they disable us

Like a leg

Or a heart

Sometimes a brain

A hand

A healthy sleep schedule

A naturally adapting schedule which allows certain things to happen like zooming out of the binding swords that justify our intellect but bleed us out into feeling cold 

All of them and many more

Isn’t human experience a mix of all these little pieces that come together?

To have a child to see what has been swallowed by the passage of time pulled under the dark ocean of existence carrying the fingerprint of why

Genomes of what can be chosen to exist on earth and what should be left for another trial

A sense of justification of all we hate because of our deprivation of what could be a better existance but for any reason it is not

There must be a good in everything that is allowed to happen

At least, an epsilon above 0.5 

look back

 Today I was by myself and almost everything was done, which rarely happens.

That allowed me to sleep till 11 and have a lot of time to think about things.

I looked back at the past 7 years and the different people I dealt with; none are currently existing in my world. Mostly roommates.

There have been people who seemed nice and inviting at first, and helped me to open up a bit and allowed me in their space a bit. They also left too quickly and were absent a lot of times.

There have been people who were absent at the beginning, and came late and offered me some of their space, but they were seeking something inside of me which I did not have to offer.

There have been people who were open to communicating, but they had more things to work on, and they did not have much time

There have been people who were eager to explore, but their world was too far from mine.

There have been people who would take me inside and spend time, but there was no chemistry involved at the moment between us. Only the surface of the ice was too slippery for someone with no trust.

There have been people whom I admired for their will and what they had, and we chatted a couple of times.

There have been people whom I was doubtful of, and their stories made me stay doubtful about. They surely have gotten their way in their lives. But not my cup of tea par se.

There have been people with whom our disagreement remained in our minds, and there would be no way to reconcile the differences between us.

There have been people whom we resonated with at a higher plane than what we could imagine, as if it was meant for us to do something special.

There have been people whom I could see parts of what I fear in their fears and parts of what I do in what they do. Fighting the same demons more or less.

There have been people who have shown themselves to be willing to do what I want, even though it would cost them, and I showed my service to them, something for them to talk about.

There have been people who felt the bitterness between us, but we kept our distance and made peace as far as we could.

There have been people who dealt in commodities; they didn't buy what I had to offer, but I bought what they had. They disrupted my peace, and they got to look up.

There have been people who never got so close unless very short moment of desperate need.

There have been people who showed their aggressive attitude to me, and what they got was a rise in my voice, while they saw authorities taking care of what they had done

There have been people who disrupted my peace by taking too much space. I gave them my absence and my bitter look.

There have been people who tried to take control of me. I showed them I can be as slippery as a fish, only to prove to them they cannot get a hold of me. They would be in control only if I saw them as worthy of it.

There have been people to who I showed my friendship, and they soon realized they needed to ghost me. As my truthfulness is harmful to the shadow they were carrying

tragedy of battery

 one day he woke up, he could remember that the first dream was good, second was off putting, and he slept for the third one. he knew it is not 6pm as his dream said. he knows his dream has a tendency to induce rush with exagerration of errors and their consequences but he knows it. 

he woke up with the watch on his hand, not taken off of his wrist since last night, showed it is one hour to   the start of the movie. the movie was an animation he found on the local theater. every movie is a story of creation and he was wondering what would an animated movie has to say about him. it would start at 11 and he got ready to go. Loose fit sweater and pants to make the experience more homey. Lesser he knew it is going to be a long day ahead.

on the bright side of things he just recieved the money he lent to someone and they were early by a month but later he found it was the best time.

he got a protein shake from the tea shop. a bit of protein takes away the burden of guilt imposed by drinking half a litre of sweet juice. 

the movie theater was small with one staff working and filling up pop corn for people. he already knew they don't really care for scanning the ticket and they are more concerned about no lengthening the line of people with their impatient kids who are barely holding it together and get to sit down at the theater and let the screen take their kids away.

not many ads, not 16 movies to be advertied like the big cinema theaters. isn't that delightful?

not really knowing about what to anticipate, the movie started with an animation part which showed magnificant 3D graphics of spaceships and aliens. It was a confederation of aliens who were going to decide the sentence for a creature who was locked up under a glass container. A childish alien creature, a bridge between a plushy toy, a koala like creature with big eyes which made it look more alien and also more like a creature of night. maybe some flavor of what you expect to see from deep sea nature. Also short hair blue coat which made it look more distinct than the kind of animals we see on the planet earth. documentaries. Adding to these properties, the creature was given a microphone to state something that shows he has "some good" in it. it was not a well accepted response, as if the creature does not care about being polite. In fact, the expression seemed to be rude in their alien language. 

This brings a question, would a confederation of aliens with different forms and shapes find a common language to communicate? 

One alien among them all seemed to be the main commander, eventhough in the big meeting, she was surrounded by three other types. An octupus like creature which needed to be in water, a squid like one that did not need water and another one which my memory does not help me to remember. But she seemed to be more dominant and later, the movie hovered around her commanding the expeditioner team which is later sent to the earh to follow the blue creature which scapes later on. it is shown that the creature which is later named stitch, is exteremely smart and powerful. 

The story later continues on earth in Hawaii and uses the beautiful warm climate and the see to please the eyes and let us imagine a vacation in this land. 

while in this section, another person called. He who was supposed to leave to Europe for a few months called him. This made him remember he has borrowed the same amount of money as the amount that was given to him today. So he transferred the amount to his account and for the security password, he chose the name of his friend's favorite perfume.

the story of the movie moved forward with a little girl, finding the anger and destruction she was feeling inside of her inside this creature which was made for destruction. She adopts it and names it stitch. The story moves forward with the dynamics of experiencing abandonment and family dynamics. I did not stay till the very end to see if there is a chance to see his friend before he leaves today. His friend needed to get a haircut and get ready for the trip and therefore he spent the rest of the time in the shopping mall which the theater resided. He ended up going to the art store and getting a canvas board and an opaque titanium white acrylic tube. the other white he has was a relatively transparent white which was not mixing the way he was expecting. A beautiful girl who reminded me of another beautiful person helped to find it. the painter wants his paintings to be as beautiful as the reflection someone like her sees everyday in the mirror. the eye, sometimes wants to see the beauty in the mirror and sometimes in a canvas.

While imagining how he would go home and do something for the thanksgiving weekend, he got to the car and tried to start it. It did not start and he was hearing it struggling to start a bit in the previous days. He thought it will last enough till the next oil and tire change session. But it died earlier.

this gave him a chance to practice his problem solving skills to manage this issue. He tried googling it and at the moment he was not sure if it is one of the relays which is having the issue or the started or the battery or what. all he could hear was clickings. and it is hard to know where the sound is coming under the hood while you are sitting in front of the dash board. part of solving this problem was asking for help from a few people. a couple people immidiately refused and another person came. he put the key in and tried to start it for him to see where the noise is coming from. it turned out not to be the relays but  coming from somewhere in the motor. The guy suggested that the started might be fucked.

he got this opinion and worked on the problem again. later he asked from another man who was sitting with his lady in the car and waiting for a while to come for help. he asked him to start the car. he wanted to listen for himself to make sure the other guy was correct. the man suggested to get a road assistance which since he was not subscribed, it would take a couple days. the man suggested to not trust the tow truck because they can be a  rip off.

I called a tow truck hoping I can drop the car somewhere I have been before and gave me good prices.

a bit later, while the hood was open another couple and their kid apporached and they said they are mechanics and wanted to see if the hood is open because there was something wrong or not. they looked at the car and I started for them, they said it is probably the starter since I have power for the electronics. they suggested to try some thing they sometimes do to the non-starting starters. they suggested hitting it with a screw driver a couple times and it sometimes works. We did not have a screw driver so I suggested the lug nut wrench to be used. They looked to find where the starter is and hit it a couple times and it did not help. I told them they shouldn't be what is their job in their time off, they came to visit the mall and they should go. I offered them lunch if they could fix it by this. They gave me the address of their shop which had good reviews on google maps. They said if I drop it in their place, they can fix it on Tuesday. It was Saturday and a long weekend.

The GM of the mechanic shop showing me the google maps location and reviews

The tow truck person came. I noticed he is there when I saw someone was sitting on my seat in the car. Rather surprising but I was expecting someone to come. I asked and he said he is the tow truck guy. He said let me bring my starter pack. I have a small one at home and I didn't have it there. His was 2-3x times bigger. He connected it to the battery and we started the car. Low and behold, it started like no problem. He said I go and get a battery and call him again and he will come.

I coldn't turn the car off and I went to the Canadian tire and put an online order to pickup. The order was ready after 20 minutes and they brought it for me. 

I drove home and I messaged the tow truck man to come. He came and installed the battery. We had to improvise a bit since some dimensions did not match. My coworker warned me about how in these cars the battery holder size is a bit strange a couple years ago. Why do people resonate at such distances? 

The car could start with no problem and I did not have to wait till Tuesday with 5x more price to be paid. 

One more thing to be grateful for in thanksgiving.

the artwork

earth

Coming down to the material realm and being separated from the divine and participating in the act of creation can only mean two things.

1- We wanted earth to be a place of being, we wanted to stay separate from being ethereal and immaterial, we didn't want the fluidity or what is above, and we wanted to come here and stay forever.

2- We wanted to dispose of some parts of ourselves in the earthly realm. The more we can trash Earth, the better it is, and the ones who cling to staying will continue reproduction and entrapment of the soul in this realm for a long time. This will make the divine purer, and the impurity is abjected into the earth.

The first take is interesting because it makes me think that being here and having hope for the future is a good idea. It must have been a better idea than being outside of this realm to come to this realm and spend time here, so it might be better to stay as long as possible. This kind of agrees with the fact that it seems like the material universe stretches to pretty much infinity from our perspective and will stay for the longest time as is. This is a design for multiplicity, to expand and be outside and move between stars and occupy more planets and consume more and be more in various forms. Evolution will branch too far away, and mutations will create extraordinary carbonic life forms in parallel with silicon life forms, which we will create. It will be an expansion of expansions forever and ever. Something must have really bothered us before coming to this realm that we wanted to spend close to infinity here.

The second take is darker. It feels like the divine is digging holes in the vacuum of nothingness and making itself busy in the infinity of those worlds, with death in immediate access to come back to itself if it chooses to. The part of it that does not want to return to itself has a problem to solve, and therefore it will stay longer there till it purifies and comes back, or it stays for the longest of times.

The first take has something in the background. It is an effort to forget and change. Its propeller is the will to experience time in different ways. Multiplicity is the word. The second one takes the other side. Unity remains the essence, and whatever is not unified gets pushed away to infinity. 

The funny part is in the path of multiplicity, the same patterns repeat and repeat. Because it is an infinity based on a never-changing foundation. The unity is not able to express anything but itself. So even in the disposal, it finds itself again and again. Wanting to get further away from itself but repeating back to what it is. It certainly comes with a period of forgetfulness, like when a salt dissolves in a liquid, but then, as time passes, it doesn't have any other way but to crystallize into what is the shape of its nature.

Problems

 Sometimes I experience wrinkles in my mind. The kinds of things that bothers me when I look back. The thing about them is they are itchy. They make you want to look and touch them thinking that by thinking you are going to heal them. The reality is they are like open wounds or rashes. It’s like a skin that regardless of what you do to it, is going to bring up that sensitivity. I am carrying a bunch of those today in my mind seeking to fill them with a big breakfast. The idea is if my stomach is filled, then my mind gets filled up and the wrinkle smoothens.