Victim

Hi

A great part of the process of growing up is dealing with figuring our what is right and what is wrong.

A basic assumption when someone hurt me when I was a kid was they did it because they wanted to be bad or evil. That is how I would label someone in my mind as a bad person and story would continue.

After living so far and hurting many people in my life, I am slowly beginning to realize everyone thinks they are doing the right thing when they are hurting someone else. The very moment of action is usually very vague and the after effects of it resonates in the mind and the person may feel guilty which more often is accompanied by "They probably deserved it because this and that"

It is a self assurance loop in mind to prevent self doubt and self deprecation because selfishness is a fundamental property of human design. 

This means labeling people with good and bad is just a mind game to polarize ourselves on the good side of the equation. That is crystalized into the society in oppositions and is more pronounced in the people who are a fan of a certain opposition. To think of the other side as evil and make the burden of guild a bit lighter.

A big consequence of this behavior is self victimization. Getting used to playing the act of a victim and justifying any type  of behavior by that. By being a victim of the system while we are not offering any sacrifice. Wanting to eat the sweet fruit of the working system and not trying to do anything about the things that are wrong. The reason for it is a malfunctioning system is not easy to fix. First of all, the scale of the system is grand. Working on a grand scale requires dedication of life time. The way leaders of history were a one man army for years and then when they implemented the right system in their mind, attracted followers. People who spent years in prison or exile and brought new ideologies for their society. All in all, it is easier to say this is not my job and I will prefer to be a nagging victim. 

To purify ourselves, we need to first take one step away from ourselves and the group of people who are closest to us and look at what are our needs and what are we doing to get what we want. On the second step, what is our behaviour with the people around us and how much of it is our daily habits or is imposed by the local group culture. By determining the definition boundaries of our mindset we can look at it through systematic approach, like holistic approach or techniques like psychoanalysis or just going through life and learning from books, people, and mistakes to improve it. 

All in all it boils down to how truthful and even we are with ourselves 

Criticism

 Hi

A friend of mine has moved to a city which is an hour away from me. He came over last night and we spent the Friday night and Saturday together. We talked about how he defines himself as a critic and I want to write about what we discussed.

One of the first things we talked about was how the mind of a critic must be deeply rooted into solid foundation of a certain ideology. How it is important to dive deeply to find out where all the roots of the ideas are coming from. If the root of the thought is not well defined, the criticism is invalid. Pointing out wrongness without giving a solution is meaningless and a waste of time and energy.

That's how we got to the second point which is to have a strong foundation, it is needed to write the ideas and talk about them with other people to get to know the thoughts and polish the ideas. It will be like a plant which grows stronger and stronger over time and gives richness to the flavor of the words. The critic must first get even with themselves which means observing thoughts over many years and under different conditions and mental states and getting to know how mind functions and how reality is. As a mentor of mine said to be able to feel how it is to be in other people's shoes. Many people. 

The third point was it is important to talk! sometimes we think our words will make someone unhappy and we suppress ourselves. It is important to have other people's feelings in mind and have a sense of empathy and comment out of love but love has many shades to it. Feeling like no one must be upset is unnatural and either nothing will happen or you will be the one who will be upset. My experience with this is usually when I think something is the end of the world, I build it up in my mind to become too big and at the moment of presenting it to the person, I realize it wasn't a big of a deal to start with and I understand one more shade of reality. Reality is usually very disappointing in these cases.

The fourth point was it is like a sword fight. Both parties must agree upon some ethical terms. Like criticism just for imposing power is just stupid. Criticism can be hurtful and both sides have to know themselves good enough and talk about things that can be improved. Like a project or an art work or a presentation can be improved but pointing out to fundamental things like family, race, color, language, etc. or humiliation are not going to be constructive. 

absolute

 Hi

What is absolute?

How can I be my absolute self?

These are the questions that may come up to mind when someone is trying to understand the hypocrisy within themselves. Why do I say hypocrisy? because I see how I want to be good or perfect or right or powerful or things like that. The reality is the right answer lies within the boundaries of good and evil. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own place in the power hierarchy and it is not a pyramid! it has always been a non-uniform shape. Maybe locally it can be like a nice geometric shape but with too much effort and energy. Irregularity is the most realistic plan and the best plan is just setting goals in the far future. The thoughts that are needed for a plan to reach its final form are countless and the words needed for a story to be written do not fit in anybody's mind at one, except for very short ones without mentioning the details. History is written for one and only one reason. 

It has always been a matter of putting time into perspective.

To point in a certain direction. Time only moves forward and actions and consequences have meanings because of that.

To give always a meaning. To say always through a limited window of time and lie about understanding the infinite. 

The matter is shaped and formed and is given life and consciousness to give meaning to time. To leave a footprint at a moment to show what it means to be in the past, when no footprint existed, and in the future when the footprint fades away. To give meaning to the moment: Now, where footprint becomes a footprint out of nothingness.

and bringing the dimension that is unseen into the perspective of 3 dimensions. 

The answer to the question of why everything exists.

An example of an artist who tried to bring this answer to life is Albert Einstein.

Einstein brought time into perspective in his Special Relativity. The way by changing your speed you can change the space-time framework. He brought time into perspective.

And in his General Relativity, he brought matter and mass into perspective.

He summed it up way before but it is going to take us a long time to figure it out in our scale of existence.

Finding the balance

 Hi

One thing I recently realized was a thought loop of not having enough money was keeping my mind busy. Like it was pulling my happiness and life satisfaction down just by comparing my bank balance, which is not really impressive, by a certain standard I had in mind. And yes, I get it that things like this have to be addressed but these problems don't get fixed overnight. And worrying about them every day will take a lot of energy out of me. 

My money problem is not fixed but becoming aware of how frequently I was labeling myself below standard is helping me to understand that I am thinking about this too much. Just getting to know how my mind sometimes asks things from me that are not in my control helps me to be more aware and put energy into the problems that are of higher priority. 

And getting to balance becomes understanding how happiness is not in finding the highest position. A big part of happiness is you are usually in the middle. There are things above you and controlling you and there are things that are under your control and time will move things from above to below and from below to above. 

That has changed how I feel around people. A part of puberty is getting to know the rights and understanding of control and it causes the children to rebel and examine their area of influence to see how much freedom they possess. The maturity of puberty is giving up the thirst for control and understanding how this world is made to have a multi-agent structure. The intrinsic chaotic behavior of human relations is one of the fundamental reasons for such a need. The chaos makes it impossible for one person to be in charge of everything because the direct control of that person only extends to the finger counts of people in the proximity of that person. In a little distance, unpredictive behaviors emerge and it makes it foolish to consider having control over everyone.

A certain structure may be able to bring a large number of people to act in a certain manner, the way culture does but that also gives birth to liberal ideas that want some change to the system. These two parts coexist together. A chaotic liberal ideology cannot exist or be efficient for a long time and a solid system will be worn over time and the rigidity of it will be the blade of the shovel that is digging a grave for the system.

It is the job of an architect to present a structure that is flexible enough to grow and be able to satisfy the demand for control of its powerful agents while keeping order in place. That system will be an expandable system and each major part of it will operate along with the other parts. The system is able to adjust itself above the need for specific people but give them enough worth for them to feel significant and be able to see the results of their efforts. This will keep the need for liberation of the individuals at a minimum because it gives them a feeling of productivity and life satisfaction which they could hardly achieve by being on their own. The attempts for restructuring the system will be reviewed and applied to increase efficiency but also keep in mind that people are supposed to be people and sacrifice is optional and will be rewarded but not necessary. 

Accepting the stress

Hi

For a while, my goal was to keep my stress levels low. My experience of living in a big city taught me that stress has no limits and it can push and push down on you until you have no time to sleep. 

I call this stress unhealthy. It is powerful and it takes over your life. It is like a monster that is stronger than you and makes you work by sucking the life force out of you. 

It took me a while to get out of those habits. To not think of myself as needing to achieve an unreachable goal in a short amount of time all the time. This was done by first, trying to limit my stress levels during the day. By pulling myself away from work when things are stuck and drinking a cup of tea or some coffee. And in the second place, by becoming able to break the task into a number of stages instead of going for solving the problem right before the deadline. 

Instead of pushing myself close to the deadline, I start by imagining what the solution will look like and also by visualizing the problem in a drawing app. like draw.io. It helps later to write reports and also helps the mind to think. Thinking is not just in the head. Thinking can be done by writing thoughts. One time I had a meeting with myselves. I am saying myselves because there were three voices in my head. two were arguing with different opinions and one was organizing and judging their opinions. And I started writing it in 3 different colors. I am not saying this is the best way of doing things but it certainly helps to document and also think slowly. Sometimes our minds are faster than our hands and our tounges. This will make us think of ourselves as higher than what we can present. 

So there is a phase of documenting. For an example of the schematic diagram of a circuit, this phase can help with naming the nets and thinking of how things are interconnected from a higher level. Or for a code, the structure of the code and variable naming. The good thing about it is when you think loud and outside of your head, you can invite people in to join you and become aware of what you have in mind. Their opinions can shape your idea and the most important part is you can delegate work. It is very important to be able to make other people aware of the final solution so they can take part and work on it. It's very hard to make any noise with one hand.

Now by breaking down the stress of doing the job from a few days to a few weeks, I am helping myself to be involved with people and also live healthier and be able to split my day into work and my personal time. Too much stress makes it hard for the mind to change gears from work to self and it prefers to always be thinking of work. This is very important if you have a hobby that you are working on. You want to have a clear mind when you are busy with what is important to you.

who is in charge

 Hi

The view of God has recently shifted in my mind. From an old bearded man in the Christian view to a disco ball of holy names in the Muslim view (which I think is very interesting) to something more tangible. Something that puts it in the local view. 

What I see is in all ideologies the definition of God is what comes at the maximum understanding of someone's view of their growth. A bearded man is an old wise man who has gone through life and has a lot of wisdom and reaching that point means you are at the maximum level of understanding the patterns of life and psychology of people and relationships. You know the effects of causes because you have witnessed many of them through the years.

The shiny mirror ball of names is a more abstract view of the future of an idea. Looking at the universe as a mind trying to understand different aspects of being and becoming and all understanding mind at the end of time becoming a mirror from all sides. The reason for the creation was to be a mirror for itself to understand what it is. To see the work of itself through reflection and understand it. 

By moving forward a human becomes more mirror-like and more old and wise and the idea is what is pulling us towards the future. 

The thing about an idea is it has to be well defined. Otherwise, it's vague and it belongs to nothingness. It's a cloud of possibilities that have not been crystalized into being. 

So what is important in the journey of being a human is to define the future. To define who we are longing to be and what is our maximum understanding of what can be. The idea becomes a seed and it will grow over time and what it gives back is gravity to the sphere of its definition. It defines the flow of events. The stream of events that with discipline, can take us to wherever we want to go. 

So where do you want to go? 

9/9

 Hi

In the mornings I wake up with the hope that wish I can remember what my dream was. It is usually unsuccessful. Maybe I can write bits and pieces of it but what has been witnessed is a cinematic rendition of a concept and what I remember is parts of it and what I write are letters that cannot justify the meaning to make it able to be experienced for a reader. 

Today in my dream I was watching a movie and when the movie was done, I thought I didn't get what the premise was. I thought it was a bad movie and I talked it out. Somebody else was beside me and said no you didn't get it. At the beginning of the movie what they ate wasn't jelly beans. I re-winded the movie back and watched it again and it all made sense how things were skewed and far from reality. 

So what I want to tell you is I witnessed a form of art that had a twist in it and I didn't understand the twist at the beginning and then I rewatched it to get it.

How do I even put in words how much information is embedded in a dream like this and what if I could bring people back what was there?

I can only wish for getting better at putting my thoughts in words and being able to describe the scenery. Maybe one day I can create a piece of art made out of divine inspiration for my tribe. For the people of my planet. What is earth but us, living by the laws of society and running the software of culture?

How would the creator interfere with what we are doing indirectly other than putting the seed of cultural food in our minds and letting it grow to become what it needs to become? To be a fruitful tree and feed our minds to upgrade the software to a higher version. A version in which suffering is more directed toward living more consciously. To become and understand to be a true image of God. 

Windmills of your mind

 Hi

I want to share this song with you.

The windmills of your mind

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel

Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon

Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face

And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own

Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone

Like a door that keeps revolving in a half forgotten dream

Or the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face

And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Keys that jingle in your pocket, words that jangle in your head

Why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said?

Lovers walking along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand

Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand?

Pictures hanging in a hallway and the fragment of a song

Half remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong?

When you knew that it was over you were suddenly aware

That the autumn leaves were turning to the color of her hair!

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel

As the images unwind, like the circles that you find

In the windmills of your mind!

The thing that is special to me is how the writer of this poem is trying to depict an everyday concept named "mind" in his poem. Mind is what we are seeing through and thinking through. Some people want to expand the notion of mind from the human mind to the universal mind which is imagining the reality we are in. I would say it makes sense. Looking at how in our dreams we experience a reality inside our mind and it feels like a first-person view(sometimes), we can extrapolate it into how the reality we are in is a dream for a mind that is circumscribing this reality. 

When we step out of reality for a moment, just to observe it, we see many patterns. Spirals and spinning wheels or even gears are one of the concepts we may encounter. 

My understanding is that reality is based on certain shapes and fundamentals and everything is based on that in the gross forms and moves to subtler and self-replicating details. 

Time is based on the shape of a spiral and is one of the most fundamental concepts of the reality we are in. Time converges to the future spins around in cycles and is like a brush that the painting it leaves behind is history. 

The other feature of reality is how self-similar it is. We can observe how different patterns repeat in different formats in history or in the actions of people. We even make metaphors out of these similarities. Like having emotions associated with the sister of the earth, the moon, and asking someone to fly us to the moon. This means we want to experience the mark of human flight to the moon which was a great moment in history, a climax, through experiencing the emotions with another person who is in the same relationship as the moon is to humans. 

But the feeling of suspense and a feeling that every line is just trying to say just one thing is my favorite thing in this poem. It's trying to describe the undescribable object of the mind. What goes on in it and how it is perceived, half of the attention to the words in the head and half of it to the keys in your pocket. Half-forgotten dreams and people who are hard to reach but they are there, and the ripples of thoughts coming from an event.

Hope you enjoy it

Minding you

 Hi

What I am thinking now is about how thinking is not done through my intention. Thinking is an act I do to see the droplets of thought given to me. The more I emphasize on doing it myself the less I think. It's a new perception on my humanness to cultivate thoughts by the process of collecting thoughts through meditation.

It's like a clear liquid that forms in between the fingers. I am unable to see it but it is certainly something to feel. What I feel is words are formed on the fingers as the ethereal energy accumulates on the palms of hands and fingers are what makes it understandable for human language. Hands are the signature of human language. 

To make you

 Hi

I am slowly beginning to realize that my job here is to create you.

It is not trivial to understand you. The fact that you are there does not really imply you are a part of my world. My job is to bring you down from the unknown to my known universe.

Otherwise, there would be no point in the passage of time. There would be a unitary world that is all you. The point of creation was a deep copy process in a limited framework. To see how you would become, once again, from nothingness. 

It is my role to make you divine. Sacredness does not happen in one night and a temple is not built by just a matter of a decision. 

Holiness is the result of multiple years of passage of time and making the right decisions. To become closer to what you really mean to be here. 

The humblest artist of all time.

The one who created the universe then stayed away and waited for the eyes to notice him. 

No rush, no need for recognition. The artist knows he cannot be truly appreciated. Anyone who is given the chance to take a look at the world he created can analyze a piece of his architecture and find what is special about it. 

The artist does not need to shine, he lives in the darkness behind the eyelids.