Mornings

 Hi

What I want to say is although I had very good momentum at the beginning, I lost it. I am not waking up in the mornings and I don't feel productive because of that. I don't know where the source of it is. Is it making me feel apart from other people and I don't like it? is it the daily energy mixture with them that makes me equilibrate in sleeping late? Or am I just pushing the responsibility away from myself? 

Should it be always a war with me to take the pleasure of going back to sleep and choose not to be instead of waking myself up and choosing to be? I have been dealing with it for such a long time and it feels like sometimes I get a grip of it and then I lose it again. I don't think it is asking too much of myself and I don't know whether I should expect it from myself or not. Maybe the balance is to be on the same level of energy as the people around me. 

I was changing the bridge height on my guitar last night and I broke the fourth string. I never changed the string on a guitar before and I feel like changing the strings on an instrument to which you feel personally connected can signify some meanings. I wonder what kind of strings I am gonna get. Are they going to be thicker, thinner, what material, etc.

Maybe I retune my own instrument from scratch all over again.

I am slowly getting over my neutral face. I feel like I had to come a long way to accept it the way it is. A bitch face without having support and background on who you are can make life more difficult than it should be. My mom always used to say smile!! smile! I don't know what to smile to. Is my own face too ugly to see that I have to contract some muscles and deform it to make it acceptable? Should I always be on the edge of uncontrolled laughter to be accepted? Isn't bitter an acceptable taste? why should I mix sugar with myself to make it better when my sweetness lies in my closeness and emotional connection to people to who I choose to get close. 

All I want is to be naturally in peace. All I want is to let go of the judgment on me and show the world around me who I am without their control. To strip down and show my inner self I better be a god statue and that is why I need to wake up in the mornings and turn my gears around myself. Otherwise, there will be nothing to show. Having the will to show off and having nothing valuable to show is what I call ugliness. 

Let's not be in war and have a common goal. I have work to do and that is spending time doing what I like to do.