Leading

 I saw a few friends of mine whom I haven’t seen in a long time. Some were closer to me and some were not. With some I felt like there could be closer relation but at the time, they were drawn to a certain structure which attracted them to others. But looking at the depth of each others eyes we could see that there is calm water between us that we could jump in for a swim any time.

A couple of them leading the front. Mostly of those I never felt close to but I felt like they had a pure heart. Something that comes when you see someone who does not seem to belong in a wild place but somehow they are there. Something I strive for but deep down I know the way I am meant to be is with a sharp tooth.

I talked about importance and value of leading briefly with the man in the front. He was a short skinny dude with sunburnt skin. His heart seem to be open but he wasn’t a man of too many words. The kind of seriousness you see in the people of authority which makes you think how hard they have merged to their mask? Have they become it or there is a space where they open up? Any case I wasn’t the one who he would take his mask off. Just an inviting smile. 

They came to see my return, I can’t remember from where but talking to them it seemed like I was gone for a year or more. One of them talked to me about the place he knew I would sit and think. It was like my old university.

Then I hugged the people in the front and after 3-4 I found that there is a structure appearing more and more and these people aren’t as joyous and loose as I thought they are. I was guided by myself back to my seat. They had left coins and gift boxes. As if it was more as a gesture of goodwill more than its material value. A low stack of coins of different size and 3-4 boxes that made me think of metallic cigarette boxes with engravings on them.

Then this man came in with three hooded figures on either sides. As I was sitting on my seat I was telling this group are you sure this is not a cult? Foolishly but certainly.

It appeared to me that the person I talked to about leading wasn’t the leader of this group. The guy who seemed more mucho with his apprentices who have accepted to choose being in the shadow of the hood rather than in light had power.

Some moments are like that, you realize something you knew you lack but you could not point a finger on.

In that moment I realized the lack I felt. About cohesion with my bros. Not having plans and not wanting to be a part of a plan either. Nothing that comes from my company at least. They would give their souls to someone who they found more worthy but not exactly me. Even if I served them with amazing food I spent lots of time to make or invite them to a house where I was roommates with madness just to have a spectacular place. To me they were victims who did not want to change. And it is hard to change. But true things remain true only if they change as he said. 

Now I sit on that chair and give way to the man who has figured out how to keep six men by himself. He must have done something I have not. Standing on the shoulder of six men is a powerful position to be compared to being an individual. Here again, me who was not really hoping for anything too good to be true, finding myself at the service of someone who had it more than me. Maybe the oil of their body rubs on me and I find out the way to be more in tune with my values and life path.