Rough

 After trying to mess with LLMs I have started to think about life like complex functions, the way you can go around in different paths and try to make sense of it. 

It puts causality into perspective. The way any thing in the past or future can be a cause for anything else but we tend to stick with the narratives that we prefer. Either the simplest paths around the subject or something we prefer. 

In laymen’s terms if you want to go from A to D you can go from A to B to D or from A to C to D. You can even want to go from A to D or D to A if you want. They are all trying to take a path that you want to take.

I can relate my journey with Gambit to what happened in Iran and the US. Thinking self righteous and feeling like because I needed to experience the tragedy with the people I want to care about, I needed to feel this.

I can also say maybe I don’t deserve Gambit’s love because why would I deserve it when I could be in the streets fighting with what is considered wrong.

Or I can be thinking a bit differently and say Gambit didn’t have anything to do with the events that are thousands of kilometres away

Or I can say what I like to say and say this was a suffering I asked to tolerate to resolve collective’s suffering like crucifixion of Christ. To be sacrificed for the god(s) to have mercy. 

And many other interpretations 

Having the past four days by myself in fever and cold while I was worried whether I had a herniated disc in my neck or a pulled muscle with a strange dream world where I got to meet a lot of people in my life and have experiences, made me think a lot about a lot of things. 

Suffering is a curious thing.

But what I feel is I prefer to suffer for a good reason than to be joyful with nonsense. I choose happiness but a rich kind of happiness that comes with a lot of colours. Colours that would be how my soul gets tortured in the unnecessary joke of existence to find meaning because it is better than nothing.