Gamble

 Between the May of 2021 to May of 2025 I was working at a a startup company that was shutdown last week. 

This was one painful failure of my life. And not the first one, I have lost the count.

This time I thought maybe it is going to work because I was working with two individuals who had 40 years of experience in that particular field. I was channeling both of them and fighting against the odds everyday. Some days felt like a sword was going through me and some days felt like my brain was boiling. These were the days I worked hard. I had to consider that everyone in the team other than HR, President, and the Founder was young. This would impose a lot of stress on me. Witnessing how people would take their job as if they are working in a well established company and not feeling the shakiness of the situation into account and relying on how well they can produce results without any self doubt. I don’t know maybe they haven’t been disappointed in starting something and seeing it fail as I have a few times. High on hopes. High hopes.

I don’t know, I delivered what I could and quitted when I could. When you don’t feel heard or appreciated while you are carrying the burden in your mind and everyone else seems content is difficult. When I was quitting I was so gas lighted that I thought I was carrying some kind of disease that was making me feel sick in the company. But then after moving out I realized I was in an undoubted hell.

A particular person whom put immense amount of toxin in my soul was the HR lady. I’m not here to nag about how she discriminated and could not be talked to as if she knew the system she was carrying and would enforce by any means anything she wanted not learning a single bit of information in all those years. But I don’t judge herself. I judge her actions and who knows, maybe she was channeling someone else’s problems and she was just serving. But one particular thing about her was whenever I was walking in front of her, I could hear Por Una Cabeza which is a song about a gambler who is lost but is willing to bet on a white horse again. Maybe this time he says.

Today after processing the great amount of problems I was carrying since last week I came across this song again. Working in a startup is basically putting your time into gambling. It can lead to so much money and it can land on the other color.

Who knows

But today I thought maybe that is the way I am. Putting my efforts in creating something that has gotten better over time but it is still a lost gamble, hoping for a better result, maybe it works this time.

The more I move forward the less I trust and put my trust in people. Money is becoming a more friendly companion. With money you can bring people together to solve issues. With money you can trust something is in your hands and without it, there is literally nothing you can do. The world is so saturated by this magic powder that everyone is intoxicated with money and without it, it seems like there is no time to spend.

One thing I am slowly realizing is that the only way you can be even with someone is to pay them salary.